One....or two?

Being a parent is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I can also speak for my husband, and pretty much any other parent out there. However, as everyone says, it has also been the most rewarding thing I have ever done (now that we're out of that pesky newborn stage). I love being a mama to Adly and I love her being the center of our world.

When Adam and I got married, we came into our marriage both wanting two children. Back when we were young and foolish, we thought it would be fantastic to have twins on the first go around to get it done in one fell swoop. Having been through the hell that was infancy and post-partum for me, I now bow down to mommies of multiples. I can't imagine having two or more at the same time. Since having a child pop into our married life immediately, I've spent the better part of the last two years together re-thinking my original thought that two kids are better than one.

As a mom of one, my mind has regularly swirled with thoughts such as:

Maybe I was only meant to have one. I don't think I'm cut out for two kids. Can I really do this again? What if I can't stand the newborn phase again? Will Adly think I love her less? How can I possibly love another child as much as I love my one and only? What if another effects our marriage? I can't have only one. I want more than one. No, I don't. Only one. 

So many parents cycle through these totally rational questions before deciding to go ahead with another, this I know. And there's definitely comfort in that. For me though, it's definitely been a lingering, nagging string of thoughts. It has been something Adam and I have bounced back and forth on multiple occasions through many deep, adult conversations. Its funny how realistic these conversations are now that we know. We are fully, cognitively aware of the hell we will be putting ourselves through this time. Maybe that knowledge will help us when we're knee deep in burp clothes, spit-up, and no sleep again....all with a toddler running around? Hah!

On the other side of the coin, there are a lot of other thoughts that swirl through my head (it's very busy in there). Now that we're veterans of infancy, we know how much love there is to be had. We know that through the struggles, there will be one snuggly little baby to give us endless hugs. There's also the thought of never being pregnant again that nags at me. And I see Adly, playing with her baby, and think how good of an older sister she would be. 

Then there's the layer of fear that comes along with a second go around of creating a baby. I have many friends that have struggled with infertility, getting pregnant, and miscarriages. We were very lucky to get pregnant with Adly with ease and have no problems during pregnancy. We also didn't find out until the end of the first trimester. Surprise! However, that allowed me to skip the uneasy weeks of the touchy first trimester where you just don't know. I bled a lot during that time (which is how I didn't know I was pregnant. That, and I'm an idiot). What if that happens again, but this time I know? How will I handle those ups and downs? I fear something will go wrong. I fear we actually won't be able to get pregnant this time. I worry about how I'd handle any of those situations.   

In all honesty, up until a few weeks ago, I don't think we would have ever made an actual decision to have another one or not to. Sure, we have set a "trying time", but in order to make it difficult to happen I had put a lot of caveats into our plan to "try". I'm pretty sure I would have found excuse after excuse to not try once the time came. I think it would've had to have happened by accident again to force me into the scary world of pregnancy and newborn-hood again. Instead, someone recently said something to me that struck a chord with me and has helped me to change my outlook and my mind.

It was the usual conversation that's been coming at me more and more these days.

"How's Adly? She's so big now! So, when are you having another?! It's about that time, isn't it?"

You wouldn't believe how often these conversations come about one your child turns one. When inside I'm all like, "Come on! My body just got back to normal! Mama needs a break!" Instead, I kept those thoughts to myself and answered like I usually do. 

"To be honest, I don't know if we will. I can't imagine doing it all over again. I just don't know when I'll really be ready."

In response, this person stated, quite frankly, that I'm never going to be "ready". She wisely stated that no sane person sits down and says, "Why yes. I do want to put myself through all of that craziness and misery again. Why not!? I LOVED not getting to sleep for months on end. It was so fun the first time!" Instead, they think deep inside within themselves and ask if having more is something they truly want. If it is, then the rest will fall into place as it comes and you eventually adjust to another "new normal".

Deep down inside, I know I want more than one child. But having so many fears and unsure thoughts has taken a hold of making a decision to make that step. It wasn't until I thought about it in that way that I knew. I knew we'd have another some day. **As I type this, I'm enjoying a huge glass of red wine, so I am absolutely not pregnant, people.** However, I am finding myself sitting with comfort in the fact that a decision has been made, and it's one we both feel good about. Will it be easy? No way. But parenting is never easy. Will there be a lot more love to go around? Absolutely yes. So now I'm taking on the outlook that if we are lucky enough to be blessed by another little one in our family, I'm more than happy to take on that role.

Some day down the road of course.

Don't worry mom. We got this.