Letting Go

When I was pregnant and taking hospital classes and then when Adly was first born, it was as though there were flashing neon lights all around me pointing to "must breastfeed, boobies are the only way!" With my blinders on, I didn't research or plan for other options (yes, believe me, I know there are other options but I was an ignorant soon to be new mommy who blissfully believed everything was going to be all rainbows and fairytales). These days, the popular push of all for new moms is to breastfeed. In my experience, the "other" options were rarely talked about. Thankfully for us, breastfeeding worked out perfectly fine. Otherwise I'm sure it would've only caused yet another meltdown on top of the other thousand meltdowns I was having per day in the crazy first few weeks.

The first three months as a new mommy were definitely the worst for me. I didn't handle it well at all, and I'll admit, I'm not looking forward to going through it again with child number two down the road. One of the things I struggled with the most during that time was nursing. I hated being so tied down. I constantly felt as though I couldn't do anything without having her by my side and that is an awful feeling for someone who is selfish and enjoys personal space. Suddenly there is this adorable little being who needs and wants to be with you ALL. THE. TIME. No matter the hour.

There were countless times where I wanted to throw in the towel. I would often get to the point of, "I'll feed her this last time and then I'm done. Done. Done. DONE." Only, I could never bring myself to stop. I'd love to say it's because deep down I had an unrequited love for it or the connection it provided for my daughter and I was so strong I couldn't let it go. But that wouldn't be true. Not at that time.

I never quit because I was scared. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown world of formula. Scared of not being able to change my mind. Quitting nursing is a finality. There is no deciding to go back once you're done. To me, it was just too big of a leap to make during such a fragile and vulnerable time. So we plugged on. I began setting little goals to make it to. Quitting the next feeding slowly became, "when we get to 3 months, we'll stop." Then it was, "when I go back to work at 6 months, we'll stop." Then it was, "whenever I get sick of pumping at work, we'll stop." Then it became, "whenever my body stops producing enough, I'll stop."

The truth is, once I came into my own as a new mom and my daughter stopped crying for reasons I could never figure out, I began to truly enjoy nursing. It did provide a bond between Adly and I. I began to cherish those quiet moments between the two of us. Better yet, I began to look forward to them. Suddenly it became a matter of, "can we really make it to 1 year?!"

Unfortunately, life had other plans in store for us. In the end of February, I found out we needed to schedule a major knee surgery for the end of March. It was at that time that I finally felt okay with the idea of stopping nursing. Sure, we could probably have found a way around it. I could probably do a lot of things to keep it going, but my personal choice and what feels right to me has been to stop. I'm proud of myself for making it to 8 months. It is WAY longer than I ever could have imagined nursing amidst all of this parenting madness.

In the last few weeks, we've slowly dropped feeding after feeding, letting my engorged boobs go for as long as I can until they get the memo to stop producing. Stopping nursing is a process and takes time. Therefore I think it hasn't been nearly as difficult as I expected it to be. I've had the time to be able to mentally plan out which feeding to drop next. And let's be honest, we all know how I like my plans. I've also had a million other things to stress about during the last month, so I'm sure that has helped. There is also an emotional piece to quitting, I think. I'm tearing up at the drop of a hat again these days. But who really knows what's to blame for that. I mean, it's not like we haven't been moving with an infant, finishing up the end of the 3rd quarter grades, conferences AND prepping for a big surgery. Ahhhh, life.

Oh and formula? That dark, scary, unknown world? It's just fine. And the attachment to my number one lady? We're just fine. She now takes that bottle with her two teeny little independent hands, snuggles up in my arms, brings her eyes to mine, and suddenly all is right with the world again. 

It's a Snap!

When I was pregnant, I was totally that girl who "was not going to need nursing bras. What a waste of money!"

Three days after Adly made her way into the world, there I was, on the verge of passing out at the local Target, frantically trying to pick out two or three nursing bras to at least get me through the first few weeks of recovery. Why? Because I learned the hard way that if you are breastfeeding, in my opinion, you NEED nursing bras. They will make your nursing life so much easier!

Nursing bras and tank tops are different than your average bras and tops because they come with handy dandy clips that allow you to quickly unsnap that side of the bra so your little one can have a snack. This is incredibly helpful when you're in a rush or especially in public. Who wants to deal with having to pull your bra strap down enough to allow your boob to pop out?? Then you also have to deal with the cup smushing under your boob, catching milk drops. I've done it, and to me, its uncomfortable and awkward.

My favorites have actually been the plain white and plain black tank tops. These tanks have a shelf bra built into them so they double as a tank and a bra. When it comes to nursing, it's literally a snap to get your boob out. 

For night time, I'm loving these tanks by Gillian O'Malley from Target. They are so comfortable and feeding in the dark when you're exhausted takes only a quick swipe to pull the tank over. I wear these every night. They also make sleep bras that have the same idea, but you'd likely be wearing a T-shirt over it and well, that's just another thing that gets in the way while you're fumbling around half asleep in the dark. 

I also have just nursing bras. These have been handy for when I want to wear tops that are not as nursing friendly. Once I figure out whether the top has to be pulled up or a side can be pulled down my shoulder, I again only need to unsnap the bra in the front and she can eat. 

In addition to nursing tanks and bras, another "I learned the hard way so maybe you won't have to" tip is to purchase nursing pads. This is because, like it or not, your boobs will leak. And most likely, they'll leak when you least expect it. Yay! In the first few weeks of nursing, I can't tell you how many times I awoke to a bed soaked with milk and a tank top dripping wet. Gross. I personally have been using the disposable kind, but they also make washable pads. I find myself doing enough laundry already these days, so disposables are just easier for me. 

I've found nursing pads have a dual purpose, which, who doesn't love when that happens?! Nursing bras are quite thin and don't have any padding- at least mine don't. These nursing pads provide padding/coverage for when you may end up in the freezer section for too long trying to remember what it was you were supposed to buy for dinner.

They also help prevent things like, oh I don't know, public leakage from happening. This past week I went for a stroll with Adly and my friend Katie. As I was pushing sweet, beautiful Adly along the sidewalk I noticed a lot of people looking down at her and then up at me. The narrative in my head went something like "yep, she's mine...and she's gorgeous...I know, I'm so lucky!"

Then I happened to glance down at myself and that's when I noticed a huge wet circle right smack in the middle of my nip area. Dammit! I had forgotten to throw in a pad before I left on that boob. So all those lovely onlookers weren't actually looking at how beautiful my daughter is, but giving me longing looks of, "oh poor girl...her nipple is totally leaking and she has no idea!" While I'm sure that won't be the last time I forget a pad and have to bravely stroll through public making it known I'm a human cow that has the need to feed, this is why these pads are a must have. 

Here's wishing you quick snapping, dry adventures in breastfeeding!