Thankful. (Peanut Allergy Awareness)

For 8 years I've been in classrooms and taught how to use EpiPens...if the day ever came. I never believed I'd ever use one. For 3 years, I've had a daughter who tested positive for a peanut allergy with a component for severe anaphylaxis to occur if ever ingested. I still never thought I'd use one.

Finding out Adly had a peanut allergy via a scratch test at 11 months old was a bummer for sure. However, I don't think either of us fully understood the gravity of the diagnosis. Yes, she now had a peanut allergy and it was going to make our life a little more difficult. But I didn't want that to stop us from living as normal people. I didn't want to be that overbearing mom I've seen plenty of times who refused to let my child "live" at restaurants, parties, and play dates. Plus, beyond a few spots on her face, I had never seen any type of reaction regarding peanuts. It is such an abstract diagnosis that it can be hard to fully comprehend the severity of it. Your child gets pricked with a needle yearly, some blood is drawn, and weeks later your notified over the phone whether the allergy is still present and the severity of it. As of age two, with the blood test results, we were told the following: Adly tested positive on a level 2 out of 4 in severity. However, she has a component within the allergy that identifies to present itself through anaphylaxis if ingested, which therefore makes it that much more serious.

We have been diligent about any food products we buy at home and making sure she always has her EpiPen on hand wherever we go. We make sure everyone close to us knows about the allergy, we inform any caretakers and send her to a peanut-free school with EpiPens. Because that is what you're told to do. But truthfully, I never really thought she'd ever be in a situation where she might have any kind of severe reaction. Because we're careful. 

This weekend, we were invited to a neighbors first birthday party where we didn't know anyone. We were both excited at the prospect of meeting new people with kids in our neighborhood. It was a hustle and bustle kind of night, trying to talk to and meet everyone while chasing around our wild one year old and simultaneously keeping an eye on our 3 year old. It was at that party that my very smart and knowledgeable daughter ate two Reese's peanut butter bell candies, across the room from us, with another little girl. In the final seconds of the act, Adam happened to notice Adly chewing something.

Neither girl would admit to eating anything. Adam smelled peanut butter on her breath. It was only after some coaxing that I was able to get the wrapper from the other little girl. My heart sank to my feet when I carefully unballed the red foil to read "Reese's". We looked at her, she was fine. No grabbing her neck because she couldn't breathe, no redness, no hives; all of which I had expected to happen were we ever in this situation. For the next 10 minutes we held our breath at the party, trying to remain calm. No symptoms. Maybe she wasn't even really allergic, I kept telling myself.

"Maybe she didn't even eat it," I hopefully said to a dad who was sitting near the girls. "No, she definitely did," he confirmed.

After some back and forth we decided to leave and go back home to observe her. There, we peppered her with questions. She was over it; tired and annoyed. She wouldn't answer us. "Do you feel itchy? Does your throat feel weird? Does your tummy hurt?" Lets be honest, does a toddler really know how to answer those questions? Probably not. But in that moment, it was all I could do to keep myself sane. 10 minutes later. She's going to be fine. It was just a fluke, Maybe she really didn't even eat it. She KNOWS she's allergic to peanuts. She KNOWS to ask before she eats.

10 more minutes. Call the pediatrician, they can tell me its all just a fluke and it will go away. There were still no visible symptoms, but she had started coughing. I made the call. Left a voicemail on the emergency line in which they respond within 20 minutes. Two minutes later, our pediatrician called back, asking for a rundown of what had happened.

The pediatrician stated with a firmness and urgency I'll never forget: "Get the EpiPen and administer immediately. Then get to the ER as fast as possible. I know you don't see much now, but when it happens, the reaction is going to come fast."

I hung up the phone. Walked to the bathroom like a robot and instructed Adam to pull her pants down. I pulled out the EpiPen that was in its trusty spot. I scanned the instructions, walking to the living room. I popped the cap. I held her thigh. I stabbed. She screamed. Adam and I counted out loud over her screams, "one one thousand, two one thousand..." I lost it, sobbing through the counting. Time slowed to a halt. 10 seconds in the thigh.

And then it was over. Just like that. I dried my own tears and went back into robot mode. Move the cars, I thought. I ran outside with no coat, moving Adams snow covered car blindly into the street. I ran in and got our other car keys, hearing Adly screaming at the top of her lungs. Brush off the car, warm up the car. Go, go, go....

All this time I had been thinking Adam would take her to ER and I would stay behind with Ellie. He is the calm one who knows how to handle these situations far better than I. However, I've been the one to handle her allergies, take her to her yearly summer allergist appointment and receive the EpiPen education. After a quick back and forth it was decided I should go. To the car. Go, go, go....

On the 13 minute drive to the hospital we hit every.single.light. Adly began declining rapidly in the car. She was talking nonsense and continuing to attempt to pass out. Like a robot, I'd shake her leg and make her tell me a story. Like a robot, I was complaining about the lights. "We should've taken a f*!king ambulance", I muttered at a light. I heard Adly quietly remind me from the backseat, "it's going to be ok mama." Of course. My beyond her years daughter could speak so wisely, yet she couldn't remember in that moment to NOT EAT THE CANDY. Why?? Because she's three. She's still a baby. My baby.

When we finally raced into the ER driveway and I got her out, I was shocked. She was mumbling, beet red red, and swollen. There was a line at the sign-in and all I remember is shouting about how she was in anaphylactic shock and needed to get in to get another shot. The receptionist grabbed us and led us back into the triage where they immediately got to work. Suddenly my baby was being stabbed in her other leg, IV going in her hand, mask on her face. She was screaming and crying inconsolably. The doctor came in and that is when I slipped from robot mom into ohmygodwhatishappening mom and lost it. I couldn't even compose myself to explain the details of what had happened.

 About an hour after being admitted to hospital. 

It wasn't for another few hours that the symptoms began to subside. She had eaten a good amount and they needed to keep her overnight to continue observing. It is common for the reaction to take hold again even hours after exposure, because of the fat content in peanuts. Thankfully, by morning and after a lot of drugs, she was completely back to her old self.

 Showing her handy dandy IV holder pad. 

 Checking out the snow the next morning from our room. 

Playing with her new Barbie our sweet nurse gave her in the morning. Fully recovered.

In the days since that awful night, we've done a lot of reflecting and talking between Adam and I and with Adly. A few days later, it came out in conversation with her that she actually had asked the little girl if it had nuts. She really did know what to say. But of course, what does an unknowing three year old answer to that? "There's no nuts. You're fine. Here you go, eat it."  For all that little girl knew, she was being nice to Adly and sharing her candy. To any other child without allergies, they know nothing about nuts and the danger of them. The bottom line is, so much education is required when it comes to these allergies, and sometimes, it's just not enough.

I wanted to share our experience to provide a helpful reminder to those with allergies especially during the holiday season. These allergies are serious, and can be life threatening. If you know your child has an allergy, do your best to assess all types of food available when going to gatherings. This is one of the things I always do. But on this particular night, I didn't. I saw random candies laid out carefully in pretty bowls and never stopped to personally remind Adly she couldn't eat them.

Adly experienced what is called a latent reaction. This reaction works its way from the inside out and therefore takes time to show any visible symptoms. Meanwhile, its wreaking havoc internally on the body. I often get asked how we even discovered she was allergic to peanuts. Common signs of any allergic reactions (and what we first experienced at 11 months) are red splotchy spots around the mouth. Any noticeable irritation after eating a certain food. We treated immediately with a dose of Benedryl and she was fine. It is important to note that reactions get worse the more times a person is exposed. Therefore, at 11 months, Adly's first exposure, the reaction was minimal. Fast forward two more years and it was life threatening.

We've now purchased Adly this bracelet she will wear day and night for as long as I can force her to. It was something I had considered buying but for whatever reason never did. No, this wouldn't have stopped that little girl from telling Adly the candy she wanted to give her didn't have nuts. But maybe it would've notified a parent who was standing closer than we were. Just maybe. Our child is very quickly leaving our very protective nest of safety, entering school, play dates, playgrounds, and gatherings where we can't keep our eye on her every little move. I can only hope she continues to be protected from any more incidents.

Ever since Thanksgiving, Adly has loved to randomly ask what I'm thankful for. Yes, we could have done a lot of things differently but I think if anything, I'm thankful we now know just how serious it is. I'm thankful we caught her eating it. I'm thankful we had the EpiPen. I'm thankful we have responsive pediatricians, no matter the day or hour. I'm thankful for the ER staff who knew what to do right away to make her better.

But above all else, I'm thankful my sweet girl is still here with us today.

ER Initiations

I think that every parent needs to be initiated into parenthood by some sort of emergency room visit. That, or some episode that scares the living shit out of you enough to remind you that these toddlers are still just babies and anything can happen in the blink of an eye. Until then, you really haven't lived as a "parent".

A few weeks ago, we received our initiation. After moving, things were everywhere. After moving, I also had some insane bouts of insomnia and a cold. Fun times. Before heading back to work on Sunday, I wanted to make sure I actually slept, so I put a bottle of Nyquil by my bed in the event I woke up in another coughing fit. Thankfully, I slept the entire night through just fine.

The next day I was at school teaching when Adam called. He's at home with Adly still and I thought it was weird that he was calling knowing I was at work. There was another teacher in my room at the time so I ran out into the hallway to answer. Adam didn't have good news.

Adly had gotten into the Nyquil on my nightstand in the matter of a minute Adam had walked around the corner. She had it in her mouth and down her shirt. To start, Adam called poison control. They recommended to immediately head to the ER, because any amount she drank could have serious consequences.

After I hung up, I went right back to teaching, convincing myself she'd be fine. She was in good hands. She wasn't at a daycare or with a sitter, she was with her dad. I went through the next 30 minutes until lunch as normal. When I got to lunch I kept texting Adam, who was at the ER already, for updates. He had no answers other than that it was definitely starting to effect Adly and that they were running a lot of tests.

All normal, considering the situation, I thought. Then came the news they'd need to keep her for another 3-4 hours to continue monitoring her. He didn't have her blankie or any bottle or food for her. I knew I had to get there. There was some sort of unnerving feeling as a mom that I just had to be there for her. My baby was in a hospital. How could I not? My boss was amazing and worked it out for me to leave within minutes. I ran home, got Adly's favorite things and headed to see them.

As I went to the hospital, my mind was racing with questions. I just couldn't figure out how she had gotten into the the bottle in the first place. Had I not screwed the cap on tight? Is she a superwoman? Maybe she's an extraordinarily talented toddler and has a super skill for opening bottles. It just didn't make sense to me how a toddler could get into a childproofed medicine bottle. Because, after zillions of lawsuits, aren't all medicine bottles childproofed these days?

When I got there, Adly was out of it, tired, with super red cheeks. They asked me how much was in the bottle before she got to it...but who ever pays attention to that? She doesn't know how to drink out of a cup, so that was a good thing. We just couldn't fathom she had actually swallowed that much. Shortly after I arrived to the hospital, Adly started coming around to her normal self again as the effects of the medicine began to wear off.

We thought we were home free and would be fine to take her home finally. This was when the doctor came in to deliver the news that the next step was to test for Tylenol poisoning. Tylenol, which can cause severe liver damage in small doses for little ones, is apparently in NyQuil. To test her levels, they had to run an IV. By now, we've seen plenty of shots be stabbed into our sweet little girl for her regular vaccinations. But nothing can prepare you for watching them be stuck with an IV needle. (Ok, I still have to turn my head when I get stuck for things...so maybe needles are a little rough for me in general). They wrapped her up in a swaddle-burrito with just her arm hanging out. We kept telling her they were going to do tests on her. She kept looking at us with wide eyes saying, "Adly tests. Adly tests." I held my phone in front of her with her beloved Peppa Pig playing to distract her while they poked her. She didn't scream or cry. There were only big tears falling from her eyes as she looked at me like "why are they hurting me mama?" Of course, I was sobbing. Then within seconds she was totally fine, while I had to take some time to recollect myself. My toddler is way stronger than I.

As we waited, we also got the delivered the super embarrassing, yet mandatory, lecture on medicine and children. We do keep all medicine in a cabinet above the sink. This was obviously a fluke incident and a moment of absentmindedness from myself. Still, it's hard to hear someone remind you of these simple steps and not feel like you failed as a parent in some way. The ER doctor had asked me to bring in the bottle of medicine with me so she could examine it. As soon as she got it into her hands she twisted it off. Turns out, to my shock and utter disbelief, not all medicines are childproof. How on earth this is plausible still boggles my mind. I guess I had become accustomed to the notion that all were treated the same, and therefore had never even considered it a possibility that a cap might simply twist off. 

Thankfully, the tests came back low and so we were cleared for release soon after. It was a scary day and hopefully our last visit to the ER for a while. As parents, there is nothing worse than sitting helplessly next to your sick child. Clearly, I married Adam for a reason. He is the sanity to my insanity in these kinds of moments. Always looking at the positive outcomes, while I, ever the realist always think the worst. I'm so grateful it was him at home with Adly during all of this. He who had the clear mind to take responsible action calmly and quickly, whereas I would've been sobbing, panicking, and running around like a madwoman.

It is also not lost on me that we were the lucky ones. Our ER visit was short and ended fine. I've come to follow a few journeys of toddlers from my home state who are battling horrific cancers or terminal illnesses. How do those children deal with the pain every day? And their parents. The strength they have is inspirational. This job called parenting sometimes finds a way to show you just how weak you can be, or how strong you actually are, when you least expect it.

Snuggles with mama and her beloved nye-nye. 

Do you likey my dress?

When it smacked me in the face that my "big girl" is still such a small baby. Tear. 

Aww Nuts....

Since Adly was a brand new little baby, we've been dealing with her very sensitive skin issues. Ranging from excema to awful diaper rashes to we're not really sure what's causing what, we've seen a lot.

In May, after eating a few bites of a salad with peanut dressing and peanuts in it, a red rash made its way all over Adly's mouth, chin, and cheeks. We gave her Benadryl soon after and it went away immediately. This stayed on my mind, as peanut allergies are definitely a concern for me. Being a teacher to little ones, these allergies run rampant in the schools and I know just how dangerous they can be. Since then, I tried to be mindful of not directly giving her peanuts until we made it to the doctor for her 1st year checkup.

Thanks to her latest awful diaper rash episode, we ended up at the pediatrician earlier than scheduled. While we were there I brought up the incident with the doctor. She expressed concern and "just to be safe", recommended us seeing an allergist. At the allergist, I explained my concerns and the reaction Adly had experienced after eating some of the salad. She wasn't immediately convinced that Adly was reacting to the peanuts, as it could've been anything in the dressing. Therefore, she suggested doing a skin test.

We went back two weeks later for the skin test. This test is used to measure skin reactions to possible irritants. I had them test all sorts of foods including soy, peanut, wheat, and dairy. Immediately after administering the skin test, the peanut irritant flared up.

So, now we enter the world of no nuts and epi pens. Due to Adly's young age, at the recommendation of the allergist, we're choosing to go completely nut free. Adly has had exposure to pecans and almond milk with no reaction, so we're fairly certain she's not allergic to tree nuts. However, going nut free completely eliminates any chance of interaction with nuts.

At first I was really bummed about finding out about this allergy. Any parent hates to see their child have to deal with such things, and to be honest, I'm terrified of ever seeing a really bad reaction. Unfortunately, since her first reaction was luckily not that bad, we don't know just how bad her reactions can be. According to the allergist, the first reaction is usually the easiest...its the second and third time that it can come back with a vengeance. There is hope, however, as they are finding that 20% of little ones eventually grow out of peanut allergies. From now on, we will be going to the allergist every year to complete the skin test and see if she is one of the lucky ones.

In our first month of going nut-free, I have to say that I'm not finding it to be THAT bad. Shopping is made super easy thanks to almost all products listing under the nutrition label and ingredients if it contains nuts or was processed with nuts. The scariest part to me has been eating at peoples houses and in restaurants. Adly is still young enough that it is easy to bring along food from home when we go out, so it hasn't been too much of a problem for now. However it is scary relying on others to know whether or not there are peanuts in the food or if it was cooked where other peanuts have been. As she gets older, I'm hoping to find restaurants we can rely on with peanut-free menus or ones that are diligent about keeping things separate.

If anyone has any tips on living peanut-free outside the home, I'd be happy to hear them!

Ahhh-hahaha. Nuts!?!! Who needs nuts?!

Sicky Baby

Auto correct immediately tried to change the title of this post from "sicky" to "sucky". Well played, auto-correct, well played.

Having a sick infant is the worst. Thankfully, we haven't had to deal with this beast until 7 months. For a while I thought it was because she was born with our rock-solid immune systems. That might be part of it, but I think it's mostly because she hasn't been exposed to very many sick babies. Unfortunately, getting sick is a necessary evil for her to build up the amazing immunity that her parents both have.

As we're working our way out of the woods from this first cold, I thought I'd compile a list of some things I learned. Turns out, treating infant sicklings is much different than treating yourself. Shocking, I know. 

-Psssh! That's no fever! That is literally exactly what my pediatrician said to me when I called the emergency phone number at 6:30am Monday morning in a panic over my daughters 100.5 degree temperature. Ok, maybe not what she said exactly, but in so many words. Mind you, this call was placed after the thermometer nearly blew up from flashing a bright red and beeping non-stop at me after taking her temp. What's a new mommy to do but panic!? That's why this list is so important. Turns out, 100.5 is nothing in terms of fever when it comes to newbies. In fact, it's barely a fever. You're only really entering into the realm of a "fever" when that child's temperature reaches around 104-105 degrees. I KNOW. Right?? Is your jaw on the floor? Because mine was. And it continued to be as my veteran mommy friends all agreed with my doctors response. Crazy. But, now I know, I guess.

-Said fever has a purpose. To put your panicky new mommy mind at ease while your taking your child's temperature over and over again and it's still flashing red, beeping, and showing a temp of over 100, try this mantra: it's helping her to get better. The fever is the body taking assault on the virus and making it go away. I can't tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of that in the last few days.

-Boogie Wipes. That kitschy baby shower gift you got that you were all like, "aww, what a cute idea!" even though you weren't really sure you'd ever use it? Well, I'm so thankful a certain girlfriend threw Boogie Wipes into my gift. Because those little wipes have officially won me over as a customer this week. They smell fantastic, are extra soft, and don't seem to irritate the skin above the lips like normal tissues do. And anything that will make my life easier with a less fussy baby is key in my book.

-Steaming is the bomb. To help your little sicky get some relief, give them a day at the spa. Turn that shower on as hot as it will go and let the steam envelope their lungs. Make sure to bring some toys along to keep that little one distracted and dress lightly, as you will be sweating your buns off. We've been doing steam showers over and over and over again. 

-Humidify. Our humidifier has been kicking at high speed all week. Supposedly this helps. I would have a better answer or be singing more praises if it took care of the sick problem within a matter of days. Unfortunately, according to my mommy friends, infant colds last for weeks. Now that's a stamina I'm not fond of.

-Those snot bulbs give me the shivers. Ugh. Those things are the worst! I don't think we've figured them out still. I've watched videos, Adam's tried, I've tried... we still can't seem to succeed in getting very much mucous out. Ick. I hate that word. Anyways, that bulb thing still brings me back to my childhood and being terrified of the "foofer" as we called it. Therefore, I'm having a hard time being ok with using it on my own child despite the little voice in my head that says "it'll make her feel better" as she's screaming at the top of her lungs while I torture her. Nose Frida is another option. That makes me want to gag, but I hear it's better? Any thoughts mama's?

-Sick baby snuggles rock. Ok, out of all of this misery, there is a bright spot. My little munchkin that is all too quickly growing out of the snuggly stage has suddenly become the world's best snuggler again. The feeling of knowing you are her mommy (or daddy) and your snuggles are just what she needs to feel better is the best in the world. 

Close Call

I read a post a while back that a busy mom of two kids had written. She spoke of watching her little one in the bathtub, distractedly checking her emails on her phone, while intermittently splashing water with her baby. Present, but not present. Within seconds her baby went underwater. Seconds. And in that time the baby managed to inhale water and choked pretty badly. I don't remember the exact details, but the baby was okay. The post was written as a reflection and a reminder that things happen in an instant with these squirmy, curious little babes.

That post was one that stuck with me. Last Thursday, just like any other night, I found myself sitting next to the tub with my own little one splashing away in her baby bathtub. She sits up now on her own in the tub and has some toys she loves to play with while she's in there.

My hands were in the tub, my body was right next to her. I wasn't on my phone or busy doing other things, because you know, I had read that post. I had learned from her mistakes. But my mind was elsewhere. Thinking about packing for the weekend, work, and anything else but my baby in the tub. And in that very moment she dove for a toy, and in she went, face first under the water.

It happened in an instant and lasted for a split second before I yanked her out. She couldn't breathe from all the water she inhaled. My mind froze and all I could think to do was to slap her on the back and mentally scream, "breathe, breathe, BREATHE!!!".

I yelled for Adam and within what was about 30 seconds she began to clear her airway on her own.

It felt like an eternity.

She was fine after coughing up some water and within minutes was back to her usual self. These things happen, and with curious babies, they happen more often than we'd like. Instead of beating myself up for not being a good parent, not paying enough attention, I've chosen to use it as a learning experience. I've since asked a lot of other moms what they would do or have done. They've all listened to the story like, "oh yeah...something like that has happened to me too" and then passed on their sage advice that will hopefully stick with me the next time something frightening happens.

Until then, I'm just relieved to know that this sweet bath time face is going to keep on smiling up at me from her little pink tub.

Say it isn't So....

A few weeks back, I went and had the standard glucose test you take when you're in the 2nd trimester. This is the test you take to check to ensure you do not have gestational diabetes.  You go to the lab, they give you a sugary, gatorade-like drink that you have to chug in 5 minutes. Lots of women complain about this drink. I, myself, didn't find it to be all that bad and I'm not a person who likes sugary drinks. It just tasted like an extra sugary Powerade. Ick- yes, but not the end of the world.

They test pregnant women for gestational diabetes because a small percentage of women do in fact develop diabetes as a result of being pregnant. If a woman has gestational diabetes, it almost always leaves once the child is born. But if it is not addressed while the wee one is in the womb, than it can cause some damage to the child. Therefore, these days they test every woman for it during pregnancy. Fun times, right!?

At the lab, after you chug the drink, they make you wait 1 hour. After the hour passes, they draw your blood to test your insulin levels. If they are high, you are considered "at-risk" for gestational diabetes.

Well, I went for my monthly checkup today and found out my results were in fact, high. My first reaction was tears, although I held them back. My second was, now what!? Fortunately, the results of this test being high does not automatically mean I have gestational diabetes. It means I "could" have it. In order to weed the "could-be's" out, they next require a 3-hour glucose test. Awesome.

In this test, I will have to fast the night prior. I will then go back to the local lab where they will feed me more sugary drinks and then take my blood four times to check the sugar levels. It is this test that will either diagnose me with gestational diabetes and I will immediately go on a strict diet or I am home free to eat whatever the hell it is I want for the next 2 plus months. (Which, if I do say so myself, I feel every preggo has the right to do. I mean, what else can we do at this point?!)

In the end, all I can hope for is that I don't have it. And if I do...well, I guess there goes the sweets and any chances of eating like crap because I'm preggo. Man, that list of things I want for after this ride is  over sure is quickly getting longer and longer....

Speaking of, here's where my I WANT list is so far (for soon after delivery):
-A big, mean, bloody filet crusted with blue cheese
-BLUE CHEESE
-A dirty martini...extra dirty with blue cheese olives. Mmmm...
-Raw Kambucha (from Whole Foods...I drool)
-Unpasteurized cheeses of any kind. I can't wait to not have to check!

This list is sure to double in length if I have to go on a diabetes diet from here on out! Fingers crossed.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Yesterday was a tough day during the day...rather unexpectedly. Its funny how something so little can send everything into a tailspin out of nowhere. I was on the phone with my dad when we got to talking about my delivery. In all honesty, its not something I've thoroughly thought about. Sure, we've decided on a hospital and we know its "supposed" to happen in the middle of July. But I hadn't yet thought of the aftermath. What happens when the baby is born and everyone leaves? I guess I kind of panicked because the tears started flowing and then they wouldn't or couldn't stop.

Of course my dad and then A did their best to talk me through it. But sometimes, I guess you just need to cry. And cry I did. You see, all of my family lives in Michigan, at least 5 hours away. Its something that I've been fine with since I moved here. Sure its a drive, but its just that: a drive. I don't have to fly home and I can be there relatively quickly when need be. Not to mention, I'm lucky to see my family quite often throughout the year.

But an event as significant as actually having a baby is something I hadn't yet considered when it comes to the distance. Will they make it here in time for the delivery? How long will they be able to be here to help me learn how to become a mom?! How will I handle it by myself when A goes back to work?? Not only does my family live far away, A's mom and family live an hour away. Plus, people have to work. And then it hit me: I'm going to be all alone.

I've always been very independent. The leader of my brother and sister and sometimes the family as a whole. It has a lot to do with my childhood and its a quality I take pride in. The problem with it is, I have a hard time letting people know or even realizing myself when I need help. So yesterday, on the phone, there I was sobbing to my dad like a 5 year old about not being sure how I'm going to get through it. Its the first time having family so far away made me feel completely alone and it terrified me.

Do not get me wrong: I married the most amazing man ever. I have no doubt in my mind he will be here to help me through every step of our new adventure that he can. The problem is, Baby B's arrival just so happens to fall smack in the middle of his busiest time at work. So the poor guy will be working his tail off for long hours at work only to come home and work his second job as a new father.

Of course, the rational me knows it will be OK. Of course it will, it always is. First time parents around the world enter into the unknown world every day and have no clue what they're doing or how they're going to get through it under all sorts of circumstances. Of course we will do the same and of course we will get through it just fine. Yesterday's breakdown reminded me just how big of a change we are going to go through and that this is only the beginning. But I was also reminded the best part of all, is that we'll get through it together.

After I pulled myself together, A's brother Mike and his girlfriend Jess headed over to our place for dinner. And they brought with them junk. Lots of junk food.

Oh my word it was the best cure for a rough day. Not only that, it was a reminder that we do have family close...right around the corner in fact. And thats on top of the countless amazing friends we have living nearby who will no doubt be here as often as needed.

Everything really will be a-ok. Especially now that I've gotten off of the emotional rollercoaster. For now. ;)

xo,
K

Its happening!

While I certainly haven't woken up with birds chirping (its too damn cold here) or sun shining on my head (again, its the dead of winter), I've most definitely woken up with a lot more pep in my step the last two days. I think the reason behind this is two-fold. One part my amazing new Snoogle (pregnant ladies...run out and buy one. NOW.) and the second part just might be I'm finally entering the glorious phase everyone talks about in the second trimester.

Of course, this is me we're talking about. And not a day can go by without some sort of uncertainty, wonder, or worry. Perhaps I'm normal, perhaps not. You see, now for the last two days I've felt generally pretty good. My back pain is still creeping in by the evening time, but at least I'm making it through the day now. But feeling good tends to bring worry to my mind. I caught myself again today thinking, "I don't feel pregnant today". 

And then I got home from the grocery store and realized I lost the keys to the storage unit I went in earlier today, much to my husbands dismay. He was hurrying out the door on his way to WI for the next few days and needed something from there. After searching everywhere, including my coat pockets where I could've sworn they were, he was not all that happy with me. Then I decided to check my coat pockets again....and they may or may not have been there the whole time. But the important lesson from this event is: everything's fine. And thats what matters...right?

Happy 14 weeks!!

xo

Worries continued...x2

No- we are not having twins...at least we don't think so! More or less my worries have now been multiplied by two. I've learned in the last week that the first trimester is the scariest, most unknown time in pregnancy. Someone close to me experienced a miscarriage last Friday at 8 weeks. I am only one week behind her right now and thats terrifying. Not to mention the countless other friends I've had go through the same thing. I can't help but think...its going to be me too. I'm a realist by nature when it comes to big things in life. I can thank my dad for that. I tend to look at the hard side before the fun side of things. A, however, is much more of an optimist when it comes to these things. He keeps reassuring me he has a "good feeling everything's going to be ok". Its one of the zillion reasons why we're perfect for each other. I think the scariest part about this time for us is that  there is no official answer that everything is ok until around 7-8 weeks and even then I'm not sure we're in the "clear". We found out we were pregs around 4 weeks. So this pessimist has now had the last 4 weeks to imagine everything possible that could or most definitely is going wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I've googled something...anything thats happening to reassure myself or worry myself even more. This weekend, I had my first bouts of light spotting. Now, everything I've read has said its normal. My nurse practitioner has been amazingly responsive since Friday.....but of course overly precautious too. I went in for a blood test yesterday to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone levels). Its the same thing a pregnancy test checks for but it picks up levels on a number scale. Nurse told me, "bottom line is your pregnant. We just want to ensure its now a viable pregnancy". Well, thats reassuring. Not. I'll be going in again in the next two days for another blood test. This is to check to ensure my HCG counts are increasing....which would show the pregnancy is still active.

So now, I sit on pins and needles for these blood tests to go through and finally our first ultrasound on Thursday. In symptom news, I still haven't had a lot of morning sickness (hopefully this is something I'll be thankful for eventually), but am extremely tired most days. Normal routine has become to pass out on the couch from 8--9:30 to have A wake me up so I can drag myself into bed.

My job tends to push most of my selfish worries aside making way for a whole new bout of worries. We all- teachers and students- entered school yesterday with a new sense of fear. I can't stop thinking about how sad it is...tragic, really, that a place where so much growth, learning and love happens has now become a killing zone. Where at any time, some crazed person has the opportunity to gun down multiple innocent people. We had a second deadbolt installed on the outside of my door in the morning. I'm getting curtains over break to cover our windows. Our school is actively designing an emergency plan to act in the event of a gunman setting foot on our property. What has our nation come to?

Sandy Hook has made me step back and take a hard look at my job and the position I am in every single day. I am not just a teacher. I am a nurse, a caregiver, a parent, a healer of any kind of sickness you could fathom and a peacekeeper to 41 little ones every day. And so is every other teacher out there. Now, I'm not looking for a pat on the back here.  I guess I'm just saying what I've been thinking over the last few days. On Monday, I had a student with a sore throat that magically disappeared after a hug from me. Then a student with an awful bloody nose with whom I stood over the garbage can holding her bleeding nose and continued teaching. No one ever sees inside a classroom to witness such things. No one can truly understand what goes into being a teacher every single day unless you are or have been one. I'm not surprised in the least those educators did everything they could to protect those students- including giving up their own life. Its what any teacher, including myself, would do.

If you have a chance, thank a teacher today.

Love,