16 months!

Our sweet Ellie is now a whopping 16 months old. She has spent the months since her first birthday growing rapidly, but her biggest burst has most definitely been in the last month.

She is now talking away. We went from babbles and sporadic dada's to saying all sorts of things and attempting to say almost anything we get her to repeat. Her word list includes goodies such as: Shay, (her cousins name), Gaga (grandma), Papa (grandpa), sissy, ba-ba, ball, mama, uh-oh, dada, hi, hot, belly, head, and bye. She says "dada!" when he walks in a room, but has yet to really say it for me. Her first two-word phrase was "ka-koo!" which is "thank you". She also says "buh-bye!" This burst of language really took place in the last week.

Those crystal blue eyes are still holding on strong!

She's been all over the place with foods and her likes/dislikes change daily. I guess she's just another normal toddler in that department. Some of her favorite foods (depending on the day) are yogurt, applesauce, cottage cheese, fish sticks, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, pouches, milk, and pancakes. She loves using a spoon, and loves creating a food disaster zone every time she uses one. She despises anything new and will refuse to eat whatever is new to her. She has no qualms about twisting her face and looking beyond disgusted that you would even attempt to offer her something so terrible (like pizza).

From a very young age, Ellie seemed to have really good fine motor skills, picking up the littlest objects off the ground to investigate. She is an expert at finding the tiniest crumb or piece of dirt on the floor. I try not to think about the amount of items she's actually consumed from our floors. As she grows, it has been interesting to watch her develop this skill. She will sit and place items around her and spend an extended amount of time working to put them inside each other or place them in specific orders. In the bathtub, for the longest time she would sit and try to figure out the toggle on the spout to turn on the shower. Every bath, she would look up the faucet, feeling around trying to figure out what that thing was and why it was there. After some time, she discovered if she pushed up, the knob at the top would stick out. And if she pushed that knob down the toggle would come back out for her to play with. She was so excited when she figured out how it worked. Watching her so carefully make these discoveries and figure out how things fit into the world is one of the coolest aspects of this age. I never want to forget that feeling of seeing your child discover something new.

She spent an hour trying to figure out how to put the insert in the shoe like mama did. 

Ellie LOVES having an older sister. She is most definitely the bruiser, who has no problem walloping her older sister, attempting to bite her, or poking at her while pretending like she's "playing". She also loves to instigate wrestling matches between the two. Adly, ever the complacent older sister is pretty gracious when dealing with this, although she definitely gets her jabs in at various times too. One of Ellie's earliest words was "sissy" and she can be found most often trailing behind her yelling "Sissy! Sissy!" 

With Ellie, there are way more toys all over the house than we ever had when Adly was this age. Adly has an insatiable imagination that is active from sunup to sundown. Because of this, Ellie has developed the ability to pretend much earlier than Adly ever did. She will take the toy foods we have around the house and pretend to eat them. She feeds fake foods to the stuffed animals. In the bath the other night she was filling up a lego with water and having the toy pig drink the water. While Adly continues to impatiently wait for Ellie to really be able to talk, they have developed a level of play that is so fun to see happen. They giggle and laugh and chase each other around the house and Ellie copies everything her big sister does.

Snacking with sissy. 

Car Carts. Every child's dream, every parents nightmare.

As a baby, we watched Adly grow into a very careful, thoughtful toddler. She rarely took dangerous chances and definitely wasn't a climber. Enter the younger sister and all that easy parenting gloriousness went out the window. Ellie definitely challenges our patience and our fears by having, quite frankly, no fear whatsoever. The kicker about Ellie being fearless is that she knows it. Most often, while she's climbing on top of something and then attempting to stand, or rocking the chair she's on to knock it over, she'll look over her shoulder with a sneaky grin almost as if to say, "yep, I'm doing it again, try and stop me now....". 

The biggest accomplishment for Ellie the last month has been her advancement to walking. She was diagnosed as "low tone" around six months. We didn't know much about it other than the fact that she was very bendy and didn't put any weight on her legs. She garnered nicknames like "froggy" and "flopsy mopsy" because she was just that: floppy. When she moved to sitting, she would lean back with her legs flying up in the air. It looked as though she had abs of steel, balancing herself on her tailbone. What we have learned now is that she actually had no core strength and that position was a way for her to overcompensate for that. We followed our pediatricians advice and waited out physical therapy until she recommended it at her one year checkup.

Hearing your child has a deficit and needs some sort of outside help is scary no matter the situation or the age. I kept telling myself she'd be fine. She had hit every milestone in a timely matter and she was so close to walking, she could overcome it on her own. Around 14 months, she did start to "walk". But her ankles were still so loose and I couldn't deny her stance was off. He legs bowed inward and her feet outward to support her weight. Something just wasn't right. It was then that I finally made the call for therapy. We looked into early intervention and a childhood therapy facility our pediatrician had recommended. I am so grateful Illinois offers programs such as early intervention, which provides free screenings and in-home visits for families with a child who is displaying some sort of developmental delay. However, our insurance policy also covered physical therapy, so we chose to go through that. This was mainly because she could start the same week I called, whereas early intervention was more of a wait.

Therapy helped almost immediately. Since Adam is off of work, he took on the duty of taking her every week. She definitely regressed over the first few weeks and quit walking all together. This was mostly due to the new inserts her therapist had her use and the constant therapy she was receiving from Adam at home. All of the changes forced her to re-learn how to walk correctly which took some time. Ellie, ever my stubborn offspring, hates therapy (or the therapist) with a passion. She would spend most visits according to Adam crying, clinging and whining. At week four of therapy, Adam excitedly texted me that the therapist had taken Ellie away to the therapy gym where he could watch her through a double-sided mirror. Once Adam was out of the picture, Ellie started walking everywhere with the therapist. She cruised for an entire session, not sitting down once. By the time she got home, she went immediately back to crawling only. It wasn't until after the next session that she began actually attempting to walk at home. Of course, being at work and not being able to witness any of this awesomeness was pure torture.

A few weeks later and at 16 months, she's now taking careful steps around the house. Her signal that she's going to walk is to say, "go! go!" If we tell her to "go", she'll stop crawling and start walking. Seeing her walk now is completely different than when she started around 14 months. It is amazing to me what becomes "normal" to you when you're dealing with a child that doesn't fit the norm. As I see her now, taking her careful, yet precise, yet wobbly steps the memories of Adly learning to walk come flooding back. She is now learning to walk as any other child does, it just took a little extra help to get her there.

Another thing that has taken a while to get here have been her teeth. She had her two lower teeth pop through shortly after turning one. For a long time after that, there was nothing. Then one day, I was able to get my prodding fingers into her mouth, only to discover she had an entire mouthful of teeth coming through. Her upper right fang was the first to come through with that spurt. Months later, her two front teeth and a few back teeth are creeping their way out. Thankfully, and I mean this with the utmost sincerity, we have been blessed with an easier teether. (Terrible teething moms, I salute you). Besides a few fussy eating sessions and some whining at night, it has not even been noticeable.

Ellie continues to fill every last ounce of our beings with her snuggles and love. She is a total lovey and will happily crawl into our laps at any given moment for a snuggle and a hug. I find myself holding on to every last bit of her babyhood. Every night at bedtime Adam and I have both developed a routine of a little snuggle and song time with her. When we stand up from reading our night time book in the rocking chair, she throws her thumb in her mouth and snuggles her head right into the crook of my neck. With her little arms wrapped around my shoulder I quietly sing, You Are My Sunshine,  and hold back tears, willing time to slow down.

Happy 16 months my sweet Ellie girl. We love you to bits.

Dating While Married.

Last night, I had Adly's preschool orientation. I know. It's here. My oldest baby is officially off to school. And because I can't handle my emotions, I chose to attend the orientation instead of the first day. I was starting to regret that decision. I mean, I'm her mom. I should obviously be there for the first day, right?!! Only, as I sat in the classroom listening to her teacher tell us all the amazing things she's going to be doing and learning this year, I caught sight of something with her name on it. My mind quickly wandered off to the first time we met and when she seemed so small and life was so, so hard. And how we got through that together and how she grew into this amazing, caring little being who is now my ultimate sidekick. And as these thoughts came rushing in, so did the tears. I continued to turn around "looking", trying to dry my tears before any parents could notice the crazy mom who couldn't control her emotions.

Thankfully, in between my awkward stares at the floor and all around the room trying to choke back tears, I caught sight of this mom who gave me a knowing glace and a smile. Of course, I did the awkward smile back and then immediately had to check over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't mistaken and she was actually smiling at her BFF standing behind me. 

Luckily for me, she was looking at me. As we all quietly shuffled to the next room I made some random comment toward her and her husband about being emotionally unstable about my 3 year old entering pre-k and how I, of all people as a teacher, should know she's going to be JUST fine. She replied that she too was a teacher and her first daughter was also starting in the three year old program. My heart began to flutter at the possibility. A new mom friend?! Could it be? No, no it's too good to be true. 

I calmed myself down as we went room to room. As we toured the school, we kept bumping into each other at each stop and continued to find more things in common. She has a 9 month old girl too. She commutes for her job. She was exhausted last night after a long day with her students. And she was so nice! 

After an hour and a half of draining emotional turmoil, I headed out into the cool night. My new "friend" and her husband stepped out the same time I did as we talked about the first day. I knew I had to go for it, but man it is so scary. What if I was rejected? What if she really didn't like me? What if she already has enough friends? What if she doesn't like to pound wine after a long week? (I quickly shooed that idea away though, I mean, come on...she's a teacher!)

As we were awkwardly saying our goodbye's I stammered out the official ask. "So, can I have your number?" 

I mean, that's seriously what I said. Because I have issues. But can you blame me? I left the comfort of my city four months ago, and besides the one mom I stalked on the walk to the car repair shop, I haven't met any new moms! 

Thankfully, she excitedly (I think...or maybe it was just my excitement that made me think she was excited) replied that she would love to exchange numbers and get together with our kids. We then had a great laugh about how awkward it was that her husband was there while I was trying to ask his wife out. Now that I think about it, I sure hope they understood my humor.....

Meeting new mom friends is absolutely like dating. Except you're sober. And there's usually crazy kids running around interrupting your conversations. It usually takes a few hang outs to decide whether your ideals, child raising tactics and drinking preferences mesh. And if all of the above match, then you've definitely found yourself a lifelong friend. You're almost guaranteed to be friends no matter what when your children's ages/sexes match up as well. 

I'm not yet sure where this newfound friendship will go. But I'm excited for what it may become. We've exchanged our first obligatory texts. Since I made the first move, I'm going to wait until after the first day of school to text again. Hopefully she responds and we actually get to have our first official "date", kids and all. 

The Life of an Almost 3 year old...

I've been so terrible about updating this blog. Life has gotten so in the way, it is very rare I find time anymore to sit down and let my thoughts flow.

However, lately, I find myself watching Adly and wanting so desperately to hold on to so many moments in this stage. There is no doubt that there are days I want to pull my hair out from the incessant "why" questions and the non-stop talking. But there are also some really crazy moments that happen right now that have made me stop in my tracks and really try to soak them in.

The other day, Adam had taken the girls to the park when I got home from work. I went over to meet them and found Adam walking Ellie trying to get her to nap. Adly was off running around so I went over to meet her. I was immediately struck by how much she had grown over the winter. Here was this confident, outgoing girl who was running here and there, climbing with ease and giggling like crazy. When she noticed I was there, she happened to be sitting up on a ledge, about 3 feet off the ground. She motioned for me to come over to her.

When I got there, she explained she needed to get down but was scared. I told her she could jump, it wasn't that high. She immediately went into her shell, got all quiet and said she couldn't do it. So I told her I'd "help" her. My version of help was that I was going to fake hold her and let her do it on her own. I'm that kind of mean mom. Sure enough, when she jumped and I failed to hold her, she survived! And what's more, she realized she really could do it. What followed for the next 15 minutes was Adly excitedly climbing up, asking me to watch her, saying she wasn't sure she could do it, jumping, and then giggling and beaming with pride at her accomplishments.

I, of course, couldn't stop tearing up. It was such a small moment of confidence building that for whatever reason, has stuck with me since it happened. These moments are so fleeting, and it just so happened to capture innocence of my first born that is quickly slipping away with each day.

This past week, we closed on our new house and on the same day looked at preschools. I have literally been counting the days to preschool. Adly so desperately needs social interaction with other kids, and I know it will be a great experience for her. However, at the end of the first tour, I started tearing up and then could not stop the tears! I know. I was that mom! And to think, I work in schools! But I can't even begin to explain the rush of emotions that overcame me when I realized my baby girl really is growing up. Soon she will be one of many in a class, listening to a teacher, learning social norms, and having to problem-solve, all without her mama there to help. (Cue the sobs!)

She has recently started telling me she loves me. Like, really telling me. For the longest time, you'd tell Adly you loved her and she'd reply with "thank you." Now there are days when I come home from work and she looks me in the eye and says, "Mama, I was worried about you today. I want you to know I love you." She'll watch me leave in the mornings and Adam will text me saying she said, "Mama is so pretty. I'm really going to miss her today. I'm going to pray for her." She doesn't only do this with me. She's also begun telling Adam she loves him, as well as other family members. And the best, my favorite, is when I say goodnight, she always says, "goodnight mama. I love you!"

Her imagination is running insanely wild. These days, she wakes up as anything ranging from a gazelle to a pony to a doggie. She always announces in the morning what she is by saying things like, "the gazelle is happy to see you today!" And from there on out, for the rest of the day, you will be informed on what the gazelle is doing and what the gazelle would like.

While Adly's speech is quite amazing, there are a few things she says incorrectly that I don't want to forget because it is so gosh darn cute.
-pur-rayers (prayers) "Mama, can we say our pur-rayers tonight?"
-spice (slice) "One spice of pizza for you!"
-seer-e-up (syrup) "Can I have more seer-e-up please?"

Adly thrives on the moments when just her and I get to have alone time. Her favorite thing is when I can time Ellie's nap with Adly's and can usually get Adly first. This gives her and I some much needed one on one time. I'll climb into bed with her and we'll pretend (for as long as I can take it), to cook cupcakes, pancakes, bacon, and ice cream cones. We take orders like we're in a restaurant and then bake the foods and serve it to each other. She never wants these moments to end and oftentimes, it leaves me realizing how little she gets all of my attention any more.

Having two is hard. I don't know how moms have more and where they find the energy to cater to all the kids. I feel stretched thin on a regular basis and no doubt have major moments of stress, anxiety, and frustration. Sometimes, all of the above at once. But these memorable moments help make it all worth the hard times. I'm really trying hard to hold on to the meaningful moments and move on quickly from the tough ones. Sometimes thats easy, sometimes it takes a lot of complaining and wine.

Adly turns three in July and I just can't even wrap my head around how we got this far so fast. I feel like I'm going to blink and she'll be six. For now, I'm continuing to try to slow down and soak in all the greatness that this age brings. (And take deeper breaths when all the craziness of this age wants to make me disappear to a foreign country). 

Love you, my sweet pea. 

6 months!

Every month I shake my head in disbelief how fast time has flown...but here we are. Halfway to a year. I cannot believe my littlest is now 6 months.

The last two months have been big ones, for all of us. Mama and dada are now both back to work and we have a new nanny watching the girls. Everyone seems to be adjusting well to the changes for the most part. Figuring out how to balance a job that is draining and then putting on my mom-hat each night has proven to be a challenge for sure. I tip my hat to all moms...working or staying home. Both require so much energy!

Mother's Day at the park with my girls. 

 

Ellie has grown leaps and bounds in so many ways. Her favorite activities these days are flinging herself forward and then backwards as she tries to work on her core. She also loves diving forward for objects while being supported and sitting. Just before six months she started rolling this way and that, working her way towards an object. She is still not a fan of bearing any weight on her little legs, so we practice getting used to that as well. This is an area where she is so very different from Adly.

At her 6 month checkup, we did learn that Ellie falls into the low-range of tone for her legs. From what I can gather, this means she may need physical therapy in the coming months to help her along and strengthen her legs. She still has no desire to bear any weight on them and turns into a big flop when being prompted to do so. She will likely hit all of her milestones regarding crawling and walking later (just as she has rolled later). Hopefully my little peanut can keep up as she grows.

Happiest baby I know (with the coolest rooster tail).  

Her favorite location to play is in front of our closet door mirrors. Here is where Ellie and I can sit and she can giggle in awe at the fact that she can see me in the mirror....and when she turns her head. She consistently does a double take, almost saying, "wait...there's my mama...but then she's here too!?!" Here she also practices making all kinds of noises, her most recent favorite being something like a growl.

Eating. That's so 4 months! The last two months, Ellie has spent her time in the high chair making the most horrendous faces, full of pure astonishment that I would even fathom the thought of feeding her things like applesauce and sweet potatoes and cauliflower. I know, I know. I'm a horrible person. But  she loves to watch her sister and I eat. And then she tries to grab at the spoon. Then she shoves the spoon in her mouth and we all applaud and say, "Yaaaay! That's how you eat, Ellie!" And then come back the looks of pure horror of the god awful food she just tasted. Some day, just not now.

We got her first giggles this month. I love baby giggles. Of course, the one person who can get the most giggles is her big sister Adly.

Adly is still Ellie's number one lady. As she's getting more mobile, Adly is loving being Ellie's punching bag. She will lay face to face with Ellie and laugh hysterically as Ellie smacks and pulls Adly's hair. Now that Ellie can sit up with assistance, she loves to face Adly and grab at her clothes and feet, then lean in for hugs. Let's hope Adly's patience for her little sister continues as the years go by. They are also starting to interact with smiles and their own little ways of communicating. It sure warms the soul. 

Walked in to find these two having their own moment. 

Finally, naps. Regularly scheduled naps appear to also be so four months for Ellie. Gone are the days when she would consistently nap two hours in the morning and two in the afternoon. Every day seems to be a crapshoot for naps. My only saving grace is that she is seriously the happiest baby ever--unless she's tired. And when she is tired, she will nap. When she's not, she's just ready to party.

A rare nap in mama's arms. 

In other, much bigger news, our family as a whole has made some life changing decisions in the last two months.

For starters, we are moving to the suburbs! Honestly, suburbia has been calling since we had Adly. However it really took the last three years of stair climbing, parking spot finding, and baby carseat carrying to make us realize its time. I long for a driveway, a basement, and a backyard. This winter, having all four of us at home was the final straw. Adly is a toddler and has so much more energy that needs to be burned off and requires the space to do so. We both grew up with a backyard and a basement to play in, and began longing for our kids to have the same things.

And so, we finally pulled the trigger and will be heading out of the city at the end of this school year.

This decision also means I have to leave my job that I love. There are laws requiring teachers to live within city limits that I was not willing to mess with. I am so unbelievably sad to leave my work family and all the students and families I've come to know and love over the last 7 years. My school is such a special place and I am forever grateful I learned from the best during my time here. Starting the next school year, I'll be in a new school, new grade, and totally new environment.

We are honestly so excited and sad at the same time to leave the life and friends we've known for the better part of 11 years. But there will be so many more opportunities for our little family and the girls out that way, so we think it is the best decision we could have made. Wish us luck, in all the upcoming adventures for B-way, party of four!

Until next time...

 Checking out the big kids at the park.

 Those smiles!

 First time on the swings, compliments of her big sister.

 A moment with my oldest.

2 months!

This past month flew by pretty quickly as the holidays came and went. Ellie had a great time getting to see all of her family in Michigan and Chicago over the various holidays. Turns out, as expected with her relaxed personality, she's a rockstar traveler so we are grateful for that! 

The best part of the past month was the development of smiles, which came on the first day of her 6th week here. Those smiles came in with a gusto and haven't stopped since. She is 100% a mama's girl and tends to give her best smiles for me. It makes my heart burst with love every time she erupts into another smile. Lately, she's been smiling to much she appears she's going to burst from excitement. The best thing ever. 

She's developing an interest in toys, slowly. She loves her playmat with dangly toys and usually spends her evenings there, with big sister Adly snuggling right next to her. Adly was very excited to see the infant toys come out and quickly commandeered them for herself. Sometimes she shares them with Ellie.

Ellie is still hard at work on her thumb. For now, the pacifier is still much needed. On occasion she'll figure out her thumb and suck away. I'll be interested to see how this continues as she gets older and more controlled with her hands.

Ellie continues to be a total blessing in our life. She is so easy going (I have no idea where this came from!) and pretty much goes with the flow every day. We are so grateful she completed our family!

So I Made A Quilt.

I am not a quilter. Nor am I necessarily a sewer. I'm a find-a-project-and-doer. I just decide I'm going to do something and then spend some time convincing myself I totally know what I'm doing. Sometimes I may stop and take an extended break along the way due to fears of what's next, but I always find a way to finish. Call it whatever you like, it's probably mostly crazy.

Last winter, I saw an idea for a baby onesie quilt on a super beautiful blog. And I was all like, "wow that is so cool. I think I could totally do that. I kind of know how to sew." So the idea spun around in my head for the better part of six months. I just couldn't let the idea go no matter how much it intimidated me. I procrastinated when we found out we were pregnant again to wait until I found out the sex. That way I'd know what onesies to use and what to save.

In hindsight, it really didn't matter if baby #2 was a boy or a girl. This project was truly a walk through a boxed up time capsule. The bottom line is, there were a lot of outfits that Adly wore that would always remind me of, well, Adly. And I wouldn't necessarily ever put them on her future little sister. Some blatantly had her name on them, others were just special from an experience we had or pictures I took that I now treasure from various moments in time. 

I wanted to share the tutorial I followed and my experience of making my first quilt. However, I also really wanted to encourage other moms to try it. While it was labor intensive and took a few months to complete (because my only work times are 2-3 hours during nap), I think it was so worth it. And totally doable for beginner sewers! You just need to know how to sew a straight line (or make it look straight). I can't begin to say what a special keepsake it turned out to be. The outfits included in the quilt likely would've always remained boxed up for I don't even know what. Now Adly will have them out in her room and anytime the moment strikes we can walk down memory lane talking about each square.

The first step for me was picking out the clothes I wanted to use. Like I said, it's a literal walk through a time capsule. I loved looking through and reminiscing about the days when Adly was itty bitty and the cutest clothes she had. The blogger from the tutorial had suggested I'd need a lot of onesies, and she was so right. First I pulled out all the ones with Adly's name on it, obviously those wouldn't be reworn. Then I pulled my personal favorites. Next I pulled some I thought were just cute or reminded me of a certain memory. Lastly, I went for soft fabrics that would be comfy to snuggle with. I used outfits ranging from 0-3 months, up to 18 months. Some weren't onesies but super cute outfits I just couldn't see on our next daughter because they reminded me too much of Adly. And, I'll admit, the frugal side of me pulled a few specifically because I knew the seasons would be off and little Ellie would never be able wear it.

I was honestly most surprised by how easily a color scheme came together. The author of the tutorial had found this in her case too, but I seriously thought that was just a coincidence for her. In order to keep with my theme, I did have to put back a few I really wanted, like her first Thanksgiving and first Christmas outfits. The orange and red just didn't fit with the other colors I had going.

Here is the list of materials you will need, once you have your pile of 50-60 onesises (See! You need a LOT). I ended up making a quilt that was 7 squares by 7 squares, so I used 49 in the end.

Onesie Quilt Materials List:
-Pile of 50-70 outifits (the size of quilt you decide to make will determine this).
-cutting mat
-5.5"x 5.5" square guide for cutting squares (I used cardboard measured from a box I had)
-rotary cutter
-Pellon 911FF (backing for onesies to make them stiff. I tried both kinds she suggests, and this was my favorite to work with as a beginner).
-Batting. I used Pellon Natural batting. Make sure it is thin enough to be used in a home sewing machine. Also, I would honestly buy this by the yard. I bought the bag and it was WAY too much. 
-Post-Its (for labeling your piles and rows)
-Spray Baster
-Painters tape
-Bias tape or Binding fabric. (I googled how to do this and used binding fabric. There are excellent YouTube videos out there showing how to do both.)
 
Let me warn you, the first cut is seriously the deepest. I may or may not have shed a tear when I cut into the first little teeny onesie. Just remember you would've just left them in a box otherwise. Although, cutting into the onesies does mean you have to follow through and finish the project. Motivation at it's finest! Another tip I have is that if it is big enough, and it's an outfit or pattern you really love, cut a few squares from the piece. Adly had a sleep sack that was so soft, and had her name embroidered on it. She wore it for months on end, but it was still in great condition. I was able to cut three squares from the sleep sack and they are all in the quilt.

Finally, the last part, the binding of the quilt was definitely the worst because I had to do it by hand. I looked for ways to do it by machine, but by hand seems to be the way of the road. So be prepared to spend some nights on the couch sewing like you're Betty Ross, only by the dim light of the TV and a lamp. This is actually the perfect project for a boring pregnant lady. Besides all that intensive labor, that's true love, right?!

I'll leave you there. The tutorial comes from the blog, Coconut Robot and she honestly does an excellent job explaining how to put the quilt together, especially for beginners. Click on the link to go to her tutorial.

Again, I seriously recommend trying this if you have a sewing machine, a little guts, and sentimentality. Even if it's not the most amazing, perfect quilt, it will have all the meaning in the world to your little dear one day. Maybe even more so to you. 

Lay out your squares and play around with different placements. I left this, walked away and came back a few times to ensure I liked it. 

First three rows sewn together. 

All rows sewn, with batting and backing cut larger. 

Using painters tape to sew the lines to sandwich the quilt was a genius tip!

Back of the quilt with lines sewn in.

Finished quilt waiting for hand sewn binding. It waited a few weeks. 

Close up of binding. I chose to use the same fabric from the back because I really liked it. Many people use a different style of fabric.

Finished quilt!

We're having a.....

GIRL!!!

Despite almost everyone's boy predictions, despite the different pregnancy and totally opposite cravings, Baby Bway 2.0 is a girl!

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I don't know why. From the start I really wanted another girl. But then I spent so much time being told it was a boy and telling myself it was a boy, I think I honestly believed it was a boy. And then I started to really want to experience having a little boy. So when the card read GIRL, it took me a full few minutes to soak it in.

We found out the sex at our 20 week ultrasound so they also examined every inch of her teeny little body, and everything appears to be very healthy. She was very tired and all balled up for most of the examination, but would move throughout the poking and prodding so they were able to get a good peek at her. This is different than her older sister, who was very stubborn and took two doctors pushing, poking, and prodding to be able to get a look at her. However, just like her big sister, she appears to already be self soothing through thumb sucking. How did I end up with two thumb suckers?!! Orthodontists everywhere will love us in 15 years. 

Our plan had been to keep the sex a secret until Adly's family birthday party next weekend, when most of our family would be present. I laugh out loud at this decision now. I don't know who we were kidding. We are the WORST secret keepers that ever lived! Literally as soon as we found out, I dried my tears, Adam slammed some wine (TWO girls!?!) and the appetizers arrived, we were ready to head home and call our families.

Adam always knew he wanted to carry on his middle name, Farrell, to one of his future children. Once we found out Adly was a girl, we decided to pull her middle name from my side of the family. For the second baby we decided we would use Farrell for the middle name, whether it was a boy or a girl. Soon after Adly was born, we began talking about another girl name, and how it could it ever be just as special as Adly's name. That was when Adam brought up the idea of carrying down his grandma Eleanor's name. I loved the name from the start, and although I was never able to meet her, I had heard many amazing things about her. From that moment on, we planned on using Eleanor, were we ever to have another girl.

I'm so glad we ended up doing it the way we did, and not waiting another week. We were able to share the news and the decision of the name individually with our parents and it was very special. When we called his mom to tell her the news last night (Eleanor was her mother), she was beyond thrilled and it was a very special, emotional moment.

So, meet little miss Eleanor (Ellie) Farrell. Sucking her little thumb from the start, just like her big sister!

20 Weeks.

Bad parent alert! Or rather, "sorry baby number 2, you're already getting the shaft" alert!

Either way, here we are at the halfway point and I'm finally getting around to documenting this child's introduction to the world.

I say introduction because it was at some point during this week that my belly started protruding after hiding quite well the last 4 months. Actually, it wasn't at some point. I know exactly when it was. It was Sunday evening around 8pm when the all too familiar growing pains in the groin and stomach region happened. The kind that make first time mommies everywhere panic that something is wrong. But no. It's just your body spreading out in all different ways to make room for the cantaloupe that is growing inside you. This time, it has been quite weird to feel the familiar aches in my joints as my hips realign themselves again to carry a heavy load up front. 

Up until this point, I have to say this has been such an easy pregnancy. Sure, I've definitely had my evenings of being really exhausted, had the bouts of sickness, and ohmygod don't even mention sausage or quinoa to me--they still make me want to hurl. But beyond the weird aversions and normal nausea that ended around 9 weeks, I can't complain.

I am especially grateful for this, as I chase Adly around all day. I cannot imagine doing this while feeling absolutely horrible. In some ways it has been so easy, I've forgotten all about being pregnant. This comes in handy when it comes to the passage of time. It is flying by! Seriously, I blinked and realized I was 20 weeks- half way there!!! 

At 20 weeks, the speculations over the sex of baby #2 continue. I honestly have no idea what we are having. Some days I think strongly boy and other days I strongly think girl. With Adly, I consistently felt "girl" from the start. There have been two major differences in this pregnancy: cravings and sleep. With Adly, I consistently craved sweets. Anything sweet, which was so out of character for me. I ate Sour Patch Kids by the bag. This time, I cannot get enough of everything salty. Chips, pickles, banana peppers (by the jar), spicy sauces, popcorn...anything with salt, I'm down for it. 

I think because of this, I've been slightly saved when it comes to weight gain...so far. By now with Adly, I had already put on about 15 pounds. Mind you, prior to pregnancy with Adly, I was at my best fighting weight having just gotten married. But either way, I was packing on the pounds--and fast. This time, I have been slow to put on weight which is good. That means no scolding by the doctor so far. At 20 weeks, I am around 7 pounds over pre-pregnancy weight.

As far as sleep goes, with Adly, I was exhausted. Maybe it's just a difference of having nothing to focus on but the pregnancy that made me so tired. But I fell asleep constantly around 8:30/9. This time, I'm finding myself having much more trouble sleeping. I'm not nearly as tired at night and now that school is out I've been staying up until 11ish every night. I then wake up between 5:30/6am most days. Ugh. Then there's the insomnia. I've had some terrible bouts of it this pregnancy, sometimes staying up from 3am on, but regularly being awake from 2-4am area. This is exhausting, so I've been regularly napping when Adly does, purely to catch up on sleep.

This week, we finally find out the sex of Baby #2. However we aren't sharing the sex until after Adly's birthday on the 10th. We are having most of our immediate family over to celebrate her 2nd birthday in two weeks and we've chosen to also then share the sex of baby with them then. You know, just to draw out the waiting game a little longer. Because we can.

Of course, we won't be waiting to find out! God no. I'm about to burst inside with the need to know exactly who has been occupying my stomach the last 20 weeks! With Adly, Adam and I went downtown for a little babymoon to find out the sex. We shopped, went out for a really nice dinner, and I was asleep by 9pm. It was a really nice night. This time, however, we have a delightful toddler at home. After going back and forth for a bit, we decided not to do downtown overnight. Adam has to work the whole day still, so our timing would be pretty tight. Instead, after visiting the doctor and getting the best information ever tucked into a card I'm going to stare at all day, I'm taking a mama day.

This calls for a massage with one of my best girlfriends and some shopping. ALONE. This never happens anymore! Maybe I'll go crazy and go to Costco by myself too!?! When Adam gets home, he and I are going to a movie together. To some, this may sound boring. Until I reveal we have not seen a movie together since before Adly was born. Two years it's been! Before you have your baby- GO TO THE MOVIES. You never will again. After that, we're going to dinner at a place we've been wanting to try and then getting a little crazy and doing Tango lessons. Because, why not? We've got a night off from being parents! (All thanks to our dearest and most amazing soon to be officially, sister-in-law Jess).
 

Just to note, with this pregnancy, the overwhelming guesses, intuitions, and feelings from others have gone to boy. As we head into the day of the ultrasound, Adam is still feeling boy and I have switched to girl. My guess has switched only due to the fact that now that it's officially popped, my belly seems high again, a lot like it was with Adly. However, I will note the baby tends to hang out down low. That is where it has been for the ultrasounds and heartbeat listens. I also don't remember feeling her kicks so low last time. I know that boys tend to hang lower. See what I mean!? This baby is already keeping me guessing.

So, here is belly at 20 weeks. It is far bigger at this point than with Adly. She did a great job of stretching out those muscles a few years ago, so baby #2 is having no problem making themselves at home in there. 

Bottom is Adly at 20 weeks. Yipes! Such a difference this time.

Big News....

Yep. It is official. I spent enough time in a few bottles of wine in Napa to decide that why yes, being pregnant and having a newborn was so fun I'm up for it all over again!! Let's do this thing!

As it so happens, Adam and I are apparently extremely fertile. He so much as looks at me and BAM! There's a baby in there. We decided to start "trying" in February because it would mean the birth of our second child would happen at the end of Adam's golf season. 

While it lands in the middle of my school year, we decided Adam being home was more important. Well, I had the main influence over that. Baby number one was extremely hard on me mentally and physically. Hard to imagine now that she's almost two and so good. SEE??!! This is why people do it again. They forget. They forget everything. Anyways, on top of that, Adam was gone 90% of every day. Throw in the fact most of our family lives far away and a dose of PPD that caused me to want no help whatsoever created a big storm of a hell I hope never happens again. I wrote about all of it when I was coming out of it and I hope one day I can find the strength to share about it all. 

But that's besides the point. Let's get to the fact that we started trying in February and by the end of February some funky spotting was going on so on a whim I took a pregnancy test. I mean, there was no way I was pregnant....right?

Sure enough, that little test showed up a nice faint positive. This was quite different from Adly's three tests in a row that turned a bright blue positive immediately. I called the doctors office to find out the chances of a false positive test. The regular nurse wasn't in, so I spent an hour on the phone with the hospital, trying to convince them I didn't need to come in and that I wasn't having a miscarriage. I mean, I spent two weeks heavily bleeding with Adly, hence why we didn't know until around 8 weeks. Plus, I was so early this time I didn't think there was major cause for concern. I went in the next week for blood tests and sure enough, I was pregnant at about 4 weeks along. 

Knowing you're pregnant so early suuuuuucks. I felt like crap for most of it and had nothing fun like a hangover to blame for it. Then there's the constant, incessant worry. I would much rather live blissfully unaware until the end of the rocky first trimester and then be all like "Oh! I'm pregnant! And I only have 28 more weeks to go! Lovely!" I started to feel amazing again around 9 weeks after feeling pretty crappy, which of course in the twisted world of pregnancy is never a good sign. At 11 weeks I was a nervous wreck as we went in for our next ultrasound. As soon as we saw inside, that little baby was a kicking and a punching, which put my mind at ease....for a week.

Then we went to Mexico and I felt soooo good, I just couldn't believe I was still pregnant. So by the time I made it to my 13 week checkup, I was convinced something had happened. I mean I didn't feel pregnant in any way. I could've easily been drinking my way though Mexico, dancing the night away (until 10pm because oh my God I cannot stay awake!!)  Sure enough, she found that little heartbeat be-bopping away immediately. It's just another reminder that this time is no different. We pregnant ladies are all CRAZY, no matter how many times you've stepped into the ring. 

Now comes the waiting game of finding out the sex. This is our last and final child and I want to know more than ever. With Adly, I had a feeling of her being a girl from the moment we found out. It was just this weird feeling. This time, I'm not having a strong feeling either way. Some days I feel it's a boy, some days I feel it's a girl. However the other day, I came home from work and Adly was feeling quite snuggly. She leaned up against my stomach, rubbing it saying "Mama got a baby in her belly. Adly be gentle." These sayings are all normal. Then she whips out "mama got a brudder in her belly."

I'm sorry, WHAT!?!?

Never before have any of us mentioned her possibly having a brother. If anything, I'd expect her to say sister since we always call her a big sister. So either my child is a creepy psychic or its just by chance. But I swear if it turns out to be a boy, I'll be watching her from now on out of one eye. Always.

Being a second time preggo mom with a toddler is very different. I can tell poor baby number two is definitely going to get the shaft in pregnancy. I'm sorry in advance child. I'm exhausted most of the time and I have a toddler who likes to "work" on my keyboard as I do, so blogging about it seems to be extra difficult. And the nursery. Or as we call it, the guest bedroom, will remain that. Baby number 2 will be getting the crib from Adly. The one with beaver chew marks all over the railing (apparently we don't feed her enough). And the same changing table and rocking chair. As far as decorating, I'm not nearly as concerned as I was with baby #1 now that I know they'll spend most of their time pooping, peeing, and spitting up all over any decorating I do get done. And the belly pictures...I keep thinking about starting them but that takes work. And I'm kind of burnt out from working my day job and then my mommy job by 7pm. Heaven forbid Adly actually help me take pictures. I mean, what gives?! Hopefully I can get on board with those sooner than later.

After getting through 3-4 weeks of feeling terrible, eating only cereal and toast, and all kinds of nighttime yucky nausea, I've been feeling amazing since 9 weeks. And THAT I can't complain about. But of course, I'm me, so I will find something. You want to know what is the most not awesome thing so far this pregnancy? My OBGYN went over my charts from Adly at my appointment on Thursday (she wasn't the one who delivered me) and as she did, she balked at the size of Adly at 8lb, 13oz, who was born one week early. Adly had been hiding in there. She hadn't measured big, so we weren't prepared for a giant baby to exit me. I specifically remember the doctor going "woah that's a big baby!" as soon as she came out. Therefore, my doctor is now concerned I may have developed late onset gestational diabetes. I don't know, it may have had something to do with the bags and bags of Sour Patch Kids and cookies and ice cream Adly made me eat, but I'm trying not to point fingers here. Anyways, this time I get to take that God awful diabetes test twice! Let the fun begin. It's ok, I'll just keep stockpiling these moments of amazing things I did for them to bring back up when my children are in high school and want to hate me. 

So there you have it. We have officially entered the rollercoaster of pregnancy and new parenthood one more time. We will be becoming a family of four sometime November 2016! 

ER Initiations

I think that every parent needs to be initiated into parenthood by some sort of emergency room visit. That, or some episode that scares the living shit out of you enough to remind you that these toddlers are still just babies and anything can happen in the blink of an eye. Until then, you really haven't lived as a "parent".

A few weeks ago, we received our initiation. After moving, things were everywhere. After moving, I also had some insane bouts of insomnia and a cold. Fun times. Before heading back to work on Sunday, I wanted to make sure I actually slept, so I put a bottle of Nyquil by my bed in the event I woke up in another coughing fit. Thankfully, I slept the entire night through just fine.

The next day I was at school teaching when Adam called. He's at home with Adly still and I thought it was weird that he was calling knowing I was at work. There was another teacher in my room at the time so I ran out into the hallway to answer. Adam didn't have good news.

Adly had gotten into the Nyquil on my nightstand in the matter of a minute Adam had walked around the corner. She had it in her mouth and down her shirt. To start, Adam called poison control. They recommended to immediately head to the ER, because any amount she drank could have serious consequences.

After I hung up, I went right back to teaching, convincing myself she'd be fine. She was in good hands. She wasn't at a daycare or with a sitter, she was with her dad. I went through the next 30 minutes until lunch as normal. When I got to lunch I kept texting Adam, who was at the ER already, for updates. He had no answers other than that it was definitely starting to effect Adly and that they were running a lot of tests.

All normal, considering the situation, I thought. Then came the news they'd need to keep her for another 3-4 hours to continue monitoring her. He didn't have her blankie or any bottle or food for her. I knew I had to get there. There was some sort of unnerving feeling as a mom that I just had to be there for her. My baby was in a hospital. How could I not? My boss was amazing and worked it out for me to leave within minutes. I ran home, got Adly's favorite things and headed to see them.

As I went to the hospital, my mind was racing with questions. I just couldn't figure out how she had gotten into the the bottle in the first place. Had I not screwed the cap on tight? Is she a superwoman? Maybe she's an extraordinarily talented toddler and has a super skill for opening bottles. It just didn't make sense to me how a toddler could get into a childproofed medicine bottle. Because, after zillions of lawsuits, aren't all medicine bottles childproofed these days?

When I got there, Adly was out of it, tired, with super red cheeks. They asked me how much was in the bottle before she got to it...but who ever pays attention to that? She doesn't know how to drink out of a cup, so that was a good thing. We just couldn't fathom she had actually swallowed that much. Shortly after I arrived to the hospital, Adly started coming around to her normal self again as the effects of the medicine began to wear off.

We thought we were home free and would be fine to take her home finally. This was when the doctor came in to deliver the news that the next step was to test for Tylenol poisoning. Tylenol, which can cause severe liver damage in small doses for little ones, is apparently in NyQuil. To test her levels, they had to run an IV. By now, we've seen plenty of shots be stabbed into our sweet little girl for her regular vaccinations. But nothing can prepare you for watching them be stuck with an IV needle. (Ok, I still have to turn my head when I get stuck for things...so maybe needles are a little rough for me in general). They wrapped her up in a swaddle-burrito with just her arm hanging out. We kept telling her they were going to do tests on her. She kept looking at us with wide eyes saying, "Adly tests. Adly tests." I held my phone in front of her with her beloved Peppa Pig playing to distract her while they poked her. She didn't scream or cry. There were only big tears falling from her eyes as she looked at me like "why are they hurting me mama?" Of course, I was sobbing. Then within seconds she was totally fine, while I had to take some time to recollect myself. My toddler is way stronger than I.

As we waited, we also got the delivered the super embarrassing, yet mandatory, lecture on medicine and children. We do keep all medicine in a cabinet above the sink. This was obviously a fluke incident and a moment of absentmindedness from myself. Still, it's hard to hear someone remind you of these simple steps and not feel like you failed as a parent in some way. The ER doctor had asked me to bring in the bottle of medicine with me so she could examine it. As soon as she got it into her hands she twisted it off. Turns out, to my shock and utter disbelief, not all medicines are childproof. How on earth this is plausible still boggles my mind. I guess I had become accustomed to the notion that all were treated the same, and therefore had never even considered it a possibility that a cap might simply twist off. 

Thankfully, the tests came back low and so we were cleared for release soon after. It was a scary day and hopefully our last visit to the ER for a while. As parents, there is nothing worse than sitting helplessly next to your sick child. Clearly, I married Adam for a reason. He is the sanity to my insanity in these kinds of moments. Always looking at the positive outcomes, while I, ever the realist always think the worst. I'm so grateful it was him at home with Adly during all of this. He who had the clear mind to take responsible action calmly and quickly, whereas I would've been sobbing, panicking, and running around like a madwoman.

It is also not lost on me that we were the lucky ones. Our ER visit was short and ended fine. I've come to follow a few journeys of toddlers from my home state who are battling horrific cancers or terminal illnesses. How do those children deal with the pain every day? And their parents. The strength they have is inspirational. This job called parenting sometimes finds a way to show you just how weak you can be, or how strong you actually are, when you least expect it.

Snuggles with mama and her beloved nye-nye. 

Do you likey my dress?

When it smacked me in the face that my "big girl" is still such a small baby. Tear. 

Welcome to Toddlerhood

Being grouped into the category of "toddler" is a big scary world. It suddenly means you're not a "baby" anymore and you have to start doing all kinds of things like walking, talking with words, and going down to one nap a day. And that, my friends, is so stressful!

Additionally, becoming a toddler means you change from this sweet, innocent bundle to a force to be reckoned with. You want to be heard, understood, and listened to--and get responses (only ones you want to hear) immediately! All of which is a big change for us new parents. "Wait, I'm sorry, whats that? You want the toy? You want to see something on my phone? You are deciding you don't want to eat this delicious meal I cooked for you? Umm, no. I make those decisions. Right? Right?"

In preparation for this new venture, I've been doing a lot of reading up on these creatures called toddlers. Instead of feeling prepared with all the information possible, I find myself feeling like a new parent all over again. Figuring out this stage of life is a bit overwhelming. Toddlers are seriously so stinking cute. They toddle around on their little legs like a drunken sailor, babbling away with indiscernible languages. They act like little versions of big kids and they get to wear the cutest clothes yet since they can finally stand on two legs. They're like tiny little adults. Best of all, they are communicating! You can finally know (most of the time) what it is they are saying or what it is they want! They are taking in the world around them and every day you can catch an earth moving moment where their eyes light up as they learn or see something new. 

But then, there's the dark side of toddlerhood. The one which I see us heading towards at lightning speed. The one that involves tantrums and meltdowns. I'm just not ready for it. I see it starting. Its beginnings involve the limp noodle (where one suddenly becomes impossible to pick up). The sitting on the floor and kicking of feet. The breath holding until red in the face. The constant crying, whining, tears. And I know, this is just the beginning. 

Toddlers have so much thrown into one day. Their brains are working in overdrive, they don't sleep as much, they're burning a ton of energy moving those wobbly legs to and fro, and picking themselves up off the floor over and over again. I mean, can we blame them for being total jerks no matter where you are or how much of a rush you're in? Add on top of this, a new found language ability. They're able to say a handful of words to get what they want. But the thousands of other words out there all seem so jumbly and mumbly when they tumble out of their tiny mouths. And us parents, we don't dare ask them what it is they need more than once, because not understanding your child is just incomprehensible! Such an action will be met with an immediate wrath or all of the above happening. I picture my child to be screaming inside her head, "Whhhhhhyyyyy! Whhhhyyyyy is mama so dumb?! Whhhhyyy must I deal with this imbecile on a daily basis??!! Obviously, I'm asking her where my toy cow is!!"

A while back, I made the fatal mistake of taking Adly to a restaurant hungry. And then I upped the ante by forgetting to bring any snacks for her. She immediately began to lose it in the restaurant constantly grabbing at the diaper bag. I knew she thought there were snacks in there, but her imbecile mother had forgotten them. On the brink of a level 5 meltdown, the waitress thankfully saved the day with some crackers until her food arrived. Having learned my lesson, the next weekend, I blissfully packaged up some crackers as we headed out to run errands. Heading back to the fact that I'm an imbecile, this time I left my wallet at home. But, hey! I had the snacks! As we were shopping (before I realized I had no money to pay for such things), Adly started to get that twitch in her eye. I knew a tantrum was headed our way. I gleefully whipped out her favorite cracker snack in her favorite to-go container.

She literally looked at me like I was the biggest idiot for even thinking of offering her such a thing then swatted the cup away, scowling at me. WTF? I tried acting like I didn't care, muttering, "whatever then, don't eat your crackers". However inside, I was panicking, sweat starting to bead on my forehead. "Please don't have a meltdown in public, please don't!" But I was also all like, "COME ON. I actually remembered the crackers and now you don't want them!?! What do you want from me?!?" It is SO frustrating to not be appreciated or get a round of applause once in a while. I mean, seriously.

The other day we had a meltdown over "peel-it's". Adly is obsessed with the fact she knows how to "peel" (or peel and eat the skin) of clementines now. So anytime I open the fridge it's a mad dash for her to squeeze between my legs and dive into the bottom drawer where her little golden nuggets are stored, all for the pure joy of peeling. After her snack of two clementines I told her she was done. Mistake #23,455: never tell a toddler they are done when they want something. This turned into the dramatic whining and following me to the living room shouting "peel-it!!....peeeel it!!!!" My God, child. You'd think I hadn't fed her for days. I ignored her and sat on the couch where we began a Western-style stand-off. Who would give in first? She refused to move from her spot in the living room and I refused to move from the couch despite her cries and streaming tears all for "peel-it's". I tried every tactic I've read or heard about, with nothing working. Finally, I had to give in. I rationalized it by the fact that all she wanted was an orange. I mean, it wasn't candy or chips or a knife. So was it THAT bad? I don't know. The war on toddlerism is a never ending battle of the mind. Did I set the wrong precedent? Will she expect me to give in next time? Should I have stood my ground? Who knows. 

However dark and scary these moments are, I realize life certainly wouldn't be the same, (nor would the amount I sweat on outings) without these little beings. I've also changed. I've gone from that mom who gives a knowing glance and nod to new mommies with screaming infants, to the mom who runs away in terror when I hear another toddler screaming in a store. I can't have those little devils following me on my peaceful monthly 20-minute outing to the store without my own toddler!   

One....or two?

Being a parent is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I can also speak for my husband, and pretty much any other parent out there. However, as everyone says, it has also been the most rewarding thing I have ever done (now that we're out of that pesky newborn stage). I love being a mama to Adly and I love her being the center of our world.

When Adam and I got married, we came into our marriage both wanting two children. Back when we were young and foolish, we thought it would be fantastic to have twins on the first go around to get it done in one fell swoop. Having been through the hell that was infancy and post-partum for me, I now bow down to mommies of multiples. I can't imagine having two or more at the same time. Since having a child pop into our married life immediately, I've spent the better part of the last two years together re-thinking my original thought that two kids are better than one.

As a mom of one, my mind has regularly swirled with thoughts such as:

Maybe I was only meant to have one. I don't think I'm cut out for two kids. Can I really do this again? What if I can't stand the newborn phase again? Will Adly think I love her less? How can I possibly love another child as much as I love my one and only? What if another effects our marriage? I can't have only one. I want more than one. No, I don't. Only one. 

So many parents cycle through these totally rational questions before deciding to go ahead with another, this I know. And there's definitely comfort in that. For me though, it's definitely been a lingering, nagging string of thoughts. It has been something Adam and I have bounced back and forth on multiple occasions through many deep, adult conversations. Its funny how realistic these conversations are now that we know. We are fully, cognitively aware of the hell we will be putting ourselves through this time. Maybe that knowledge will help us when we're knee deep in burp clothes, spit-up, and no sleep again....all with a toddler running around? Hah!

On the other side of the coin, there are a lot of other thoughts that swirl through my head (it's very busy in there). Now that we're veterans of infancy, we know how much love there is to be had. We know that through the struggles, there will be one snuggly little baby to give us endless hugs. There's also the thought of never being pregnant again that nags at me. And I see Adly, playing with her baby, and think how good of an older sister she would be. 

Then there's the layer of fear that comes along with a second go around of creating a baby. I have many friends that have struggled with infertility, getting pregnant, and miscarriages. We were very lucky to get pregnant with Adly with ease and have no problems during pregnancy. We also didn't find out until the end of the first trimester. Surprise! However, that allowed me to skip the uneasy weeks of the touchy first trimester where you just don't know. I bled a lot during that time (which is how I didn't know I was pregnant. That, and I'm an idiot). What if that happens again, but this time I know? How will I handle those ups and downs? I fear something will go wrong. I fear we actually won't be able to get pregnant this time. I worry about how I'd handle any of those situations.   

In all honesty, up until a few weeks ago, I don't think we would have ever made an actual decision to have another one or not to. Sure, we have set a "trying time", but in order to make it difficult to happen I had put a lot of caveats into our plan to "try". I'm pretty sure I would have found excuse after excuse to not try once the time came. I think it would've had to have happened by accident again to force me into the scary world of pregnancy and newborn-hood again. Instead, someone recently said something to me that struck a chord with me and has helped me to change my outlook and my mind.

It was the usual conversation that's been coming at me more and more these days.

"How's Adly? She's so big now! So, when are you having another?! It's about that time, isn't it?"

You wouldn't believe how often these conversations come about one your child turns one. When inside I'm all like, "Come on! My body just got back to normal! Mama needs a break!" Instead, I kept those thoughts to myself and answered like I usually do. 

"To be honest, I don't know if we will. I can't imagine doing it all over again. I just don't know when I'll really be ready."

In response, this person stated, quite frankly, that I'm never going to be "ready". She wisely stated that no sane person sits down and says, "Why yes. I do want to put myself through all of that craziness and misery again. Why not!? I LOVED not getting to sleep for months on end. It was so fun the first time!" Instead, they think deep inside within themselves and ask if having more is something they truly want. If it is, then the rest will fall into place as it comes and you eventually adjust to another "new normal".

Deep down inside, I know I want more than one child. But having so many fears and unsure thoughts has taken a hold of making a decision to make that step. It wasn't until I thought about it in that way that I knew. I knew we'd have another some day. **As I type this, I'm enjoying a huge glass of red wine, so I am absolutely not pregnant, people.** However, I am finding myself sitting with comfort in the fact that a decision has been made, and it's one we both feel good about. Will it be easy? No way. But parenting is never easy. Will there be a lot more love to go around? Absolutely yes. So now I'm taking on the outlook that if we are lucky enough to be blessed by another little one in our family, I'm more than happy to take on that role.

Some day down the road of course.

Don't worry mom. We got this.