Worries continued...x2

No- we are not having twins...at least we don't think so! More or less my worries have now been multiplied by two. I've learned in the last week that the first trimester is the scariest, most unknown time in pregnancy. Someone close to me experienced a miscarriage last Friday at 8 weeks. I am only one week behind her right now and thats terrifying. Not to mention the countless other friends I've had go through the same thing. I can't help but think...its going to be me too. I'm a realist by nature when it comes to big things in life. I can thank my dad for that. I tend to look at the hard side before the fun side of things. A, however, is much more of an optimist when it comes to these things. He keeps reassuring me he has a "good feeling everything's going to be ok". Its one of the zillion reasons why we're perfect for each other. I think the scariest part about this time for us is that  there is no official answer that everything is ok until around 7-8 weeks and even then I'm not sure we're in the "clear". We found out we were pregs around 4 weeks. So this pessimist has now had the last 4 weeks to imagine everything possible that could or most definitely is going wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I've googled something...anything thats happening to reassure myself or worry myself even more. This weekend, I had my first bouts of light spotting. Now, everything I've read has said its normal. My nurse practitioner has been amazingly responsive since Friday.....but of course overly precautious too. I went in for a blood test yesterday to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone levels). Its the same thing a pregnancy test checks for but it picks up levels on a number scale. Nurse told me, "bottom line is your pregnant. We just want to ensure its now a viable pregnancy". Well, thats reassuring. Not. I'll be going in again in the next two days for another blood test. This is to check to ensure my HCG counts are increasing....which would show the pregnancy is still active.

So now, I sit on pins and needles for these blood tests to go through and finally our first ultrasound on Thursday. In symptom news, I still haven't had a lot of morning sickness (hopefully this is something I'll be thankful for eventually), but am extremely tired most days. Normal routine has become to pass out on the couch from 8--9:30 to have A wake me up so I can drag myself into bed.

My job tends to push most of my selfish worries aside making way for a whole new bout of worries. We all- teachers and students- entered school yesterday with a new sense of fear. I can't stop thinking about how sad it is...tragic, really, that a place where so much growth, learning and love happens has now become a killing zone. Where at any time, some crazed person has the opportunity to gun down multiple innocent people. We had a second deadbolt installed on the outside of my door in the morning. I'm getting curtains over break to cover our windows. Our school is actively designing an emergency plan to act in the event of a gunman setting foot on our property. What has our nation come to?

Sandy Hook has made me step back and take a hard look at my job and the position I am in every single day. I am not just a teacher. I am a nurse, a caregiver, a parent, a healer of any kind of sickness you could fathom and a peacekeeper to 41 little ones every day. And so is every other teacher out there. Now, I'm not looking for a pat on the back here.  I guess I'm just saying what I've been thinking over the last few days. On Monday, I had a student with a sore throat that magically disappeared after a hug from me. Then a student with an awful bloody nose with whom I stood over the garbage can holding her bleeding nose and continued teaching. No one ever sees inside a classroom to witness such things. No one can truly understand what goes into being a teacher every single day unless you are or have been one. I'm not surprised in the least those educators did everything they could to protect those students- including giving up their own life. Its what any teacher, including myself, would do.

If you have a chance, thank a teacher today.

Love,