It really got me thinking about my own friendships and how they've changed. I would instead say something more like, "friendships change once you have a baby". As you get older, there are a lot of life events that cause some level of division between you and your friends. Being single separates you from the coupled up people. Back in the day, we fondly called us singles "the loser table". You know, those people that get glommed together at a wedding because they're all singles. Then those that are coupled off eventually get engaged and that separates you from the "singles". Getting married changes some things, but I guess more than anything it separates you from the "unmarrieds". When you have a baby, you enter a whole new ballgame.
This fun begins as soon as you are knocked up. Suddenly those raging fun nights at the bar become exhausting, nauseating, and just plain annoying. All your energy is spent by 9pm and you become more than willing to spend an evening on the couch watching Dateline rather than expend all of your energy trying to keep up with the non-preggos. Phone calls and texts start dwindling down and you're just fine with that.
Then the baby comes. A rush of girlfriend visitors come over to snuggle your new bundle of love and ask in vain how new mommyhood is. What was the birth like? Like, what was it really like? When they leave to head out for their next night on the town, you're left in a pile of burp cloths, yesterdays sweatpants, and no make-up. You can't wait to close your eyes for a few precious hours until the baby is hungry again.
As the newness dies down and life settles into a new "normal" for you, you find that your new "normal" is largely misaligned to your old friends' "normal". No longer can you have a booze filled night out on the town with no regrets, followed by sleeping in and then a booze-filled brunch the next day (after 10am) to recap all the fun that you barely remember. Suddenly a night out requires a baby sitter (or a daddy staying in), a lot of planning if you're breastfeeding, and the reality that when the baby wakes up the next morning (hopefully not before 6am) you're back on duty.
At first I tried to buck this trend with all my might. I was not ready to accept that I was over the nightlife. We had family babysit, we hired sitters, we drank, we tried to keep up with our non-parent friends. But in the end, the power of new-parent reality won out. It's just not as fun anymore. Sure, I love my non-mom friends. They've been there for years and hopefully will be for years to come. But the reality is, the dynamic of our friendship has changed. I rarely see them anymore, which is hard to accept, but it's what has to happen. They can't be dragged down by nights in at my house all the time. Or be expected to deal with daytime visits where I can barely listen to them as I chase my tornado of a child around. Just the same, they can't expect me to figure out childcare, head out to the bars with reckless abandon and then pay a major price first thing the next morning.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that being a parent suddenly means you suck at life and do nothing but sit in your house all day with no friends anymore. Far from it. I'm just suggesting that you're social calendar changes quite a bit, to totally new and different outings. I've had an amazing outlet for socializing with some great mommy groups. I've had one from the start of my mom-adventure that continues on, as well as a newer one through work. (Something has luckily been in the water the last year there, so babies are popping out on a very regular basis.) These mom's group get togethers provide a great social outlet for me as well as Adly and I highly regard these times. As soon as you find yourself with child, I highly recommend finding yourself one as soon as possible. Many hospitals offer them as well. They are a true lifesaver!
Mom's group babies celebrating Elliot's 1st birthday!
For now, none of our closest friends have a baby (except one that's going to be here in hopefully less than 31 days.....but who's counting?!). Although I see my non-mom friends half as often as I used to, the times we do get to hang out have become much more meaningful. I plan get togethers more carefully and they are definitely farther apart than they used to be (we're talking months). But now when they do happen, we always pick up right where we left off. One such get together that I always look forward to is my book club that was started long before I was pregnant, married or engaged. These monthly get togethers are always the highlight of my social calendar because, more than anything, I look forward to getting to catch up with everyone.
A rare sighting of the elusive non-mom and new-mom together at the bar.
Things have changed socially between the two of us as well, obviously. Our date night dinners now usually include our little bundle of fun. We've joined the elderly crowd, eating at 5:30pm to ensure Adly gets into bed on time. One amazing thing about living in the city is that restaurants are everywhere. This allows us to safely stroll to a local eatery, have an early dinner, chat it up with our munchkin all while enjoying a tasty beer or glass of wine or two. And hey, we always get a table at that hour.
And then every so often, Adam and I try to take a night out together. This part is hard because both of us struggle with missing our "old lives". We miss our friends dearly, yet we know it's important to also have time for just us. Typically we've compromised by doing a dinner just the two of us and then meeting friends out. However, parenthood has changed the both of us. We no longer make it out very late and are usually fine saying our goodbyes far earlier than anyone else. For me, the reason being that the morning routine is lingering in the air. I know I have to be back "on" in a number of hours and there is nothing worse than being hungover and/or exhausted with an infant that is into everything.
Maybe I'm dramatic, but in my opinion, it goes without saying: friendships change when you have a baby. Some friends totally disappear. That's hard. Some once good friends become more of acquaintances. Some friends that weren't close before become closer. Some friends totally stay the same, just in a new way. I'm grateful for the friendships I have and I look forward to more friends joining the baby brigade. I have no doubt that over the years these friendships will grow and change even more. It's the hard part of growing up. But for what it's worth, I hope that they continue to grow more together, than apart.
Until then, you can find Adam and I on any given Friday night enjoying a glass of wine and a new Dateline, or if we're really lucky, a new Shark Tank episode. Sometimes we even get a little crazy and whip out an intense game of rummy or a bag of popcorn. I know, I know. We're wild.
But I wouldn't change one bit of it.
Out for a "new normal" date night.
Did you just say, "we eat with the old people because of me?!" Look who's talking.
And then every so often, Adam and I try to take a night out together. This part is hard because both of us struggle with missing our "old lives". We miss our friends dearly, yet we know it's important to also have time for just us. Typically we've compromised by doing a dinner just the two of us and then meeting friends out. However, parenthood has changed the both of us. We no longer make it out very late and are usually fine saying our goodbyes far earlier than anyone else. For me, the reason being that the morning routine is lingering in the air. I know I have to be back "on" in a number of hours and there is nothing worse than being hungover and/or exhausted with an infant that is into everything.
Maybe I'm dramatic, but in my opinion, it goes without saying: friendships change when you have a baby. Some friends totally disappear. That's hard. Some once good friends become more of acquaintances. Some friends that weren't close before become closer. Some friends totally stay the same, just in a new way. I'm grateful for the friendships I have and I look forward to more friends joining the baby brigade. I have no doubt that over the years these friendships will grow and change even more. It's the hard part of growing up. But for what it's worth, I hope that they continue to grow more together, than apart.
Until then, you can find Adam and I on any given Friday night enjoying a glass of wine and a new Dateline, or if we're really lucky, a new Shark Tank episode. Sometimes we even get a little crazy and whip out an intense game of rummy or a bag of popcorn. I know, I know. We're wild.
But I wouldn't change one bit of it.
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