The Patient and the 6-month Preggo Lady

Adam had major surgery yesterday. He had his four wisdom teeth removed. Icky, I know. But to make it real fun, all of his teeth were bony impacted, meaning they were stuck in the bones never to come out. This wouldn't be a problem if, in twenty years, they weren't going to start pushing all his teeth forward and out ruining his beautiful grill.

So, like the kind, caring, person (nurse) that I am, I drove him to the doctor bright and early and waited for the surgery to be over. Poor guy has never been put under and was quite nervous. I, on the other hand, also known as Knees McGee, have been put under multiple times. I know the fun that comes when you wake up and have no clue what you're talking about or the rambling that is liable to happen.

The last time I was put under for knee surgery, I had to be put in a gathering room of sorts right after surgery while they waited for my room to be ready. This was where there was (if I can remember correctly) around 8 other patients who had also just come out of surgery. What followed was an impromptu comedy show, led by yours truly. I thought I was on stage and everyone was dying laughing along with me. I cracked joke after joke, making friends and crying laughing. It's only now, as I type this, that I realize all of that could have been not real. I know there were other people there. What I don't know is if they were all laughing with me, at me, or even laughing at all. All I know is, I had the best time ever and I was the funniest person in the room! That is, until the drugs started to wear off.

Ok, enough about me. I was really looking forward to the fun I was going to have with Adam after he awakened. Sure enough, he did not disappoint. As soon as I came around the corner he jumped up and did a little mini dance. I think he was trying to show me how great he was feeling. He then sat down and whipped out his phone so he could use his camera to see himself. So vain, even when he's high as hell. All the while, he's talking non-stop to me about who only knows what, as I couldn't understand a damn word he said with all the gauze in his mouth.

The nurse came over, gave me instructions. Then the doctor came over, gave me instructions. All while Adam is talking away, staring at himself. He even snapped a picture!

My face is a face of a scared wife. His clearly demonstrates he was not on this planet. 

When it was time to go, he jumped off the bench and told me to give him the keys because, "he was fine to drive". I said "Sure! When we're outside." Of course, when we got to the lobby, I, ever the irresponsible one, could not find the damn car keys. "Even when I'm drugged I'm more responsible than you" is the comment I got for that one. I swear, this pregnancy brain is killing my credibility. After dumping out every item in my purse, I finally found them. In my coat pocket. By then, Adam had forgotten his desire to drive. Ugh. I have to do everything around here. 

The car ride was the best. We got off at our exit where the usual bum was there, looking for money beside the cars. This is where Adam yelled (through his gauze, window up), "No, what do you got for ME!? I don't want to give you anything! I want YOU to give ME something. What kind of drugs you got for me? Huh?"I laughed so hard I peed a little. It was awesome. 

Then as we're driving further, I see him texting furiously. I could only imagine what kind of goodies he was typing so I asked what he was saying. He tells me then that after surgery, his pants were unzipped. He didn't know why. So he was texting his mom telling her he thought for sure the receptionist took advantage of him during the surgery. Ah, yes. Just what a mother wants to hear. 

He also asked me to tell him the instructions the nurse gave me. Three times. And after each time he asked, he told me he had to know because he knew I would forget. Hmph. The guy knows me too well even when he's out of his mind from drugs. 

I finally got him home, dropped him off, patted him on the head and raced off to fulfill his wishes and needs. It was only when I got home that we learned he doesn't remember any of the doctors office ("What!?! You're so mean!! Why would you say I took pictures of myself in the doctors office?!?!"). Love it when I have evidence!

I tell you what, this waiting on people thing is hard business. I'm already ready to go back to him waiting on me, the six month pregnant lady. I like that much better. In the meantime, its back to taking care of my dear husband. I guess it is good training for when I will have to take care of another human being 24/7 in ohmygosh a little over three months.